questions

I know that I cut last nights blog short . . . .I literally, hastily ended it . . . there were a few reasons for this.
1] If I had continued it might have ended up a novel and I might have had no sleep.
2] There is a lot on my mind and in my heart, and lot that I am processing. It's not processed yet, so I don't want to write things hastily.
3] I don't want to write things hastily as I know this could be a sensitive topic to Christians, including myself.

So, on the days I do decide to blog about the thoughts swimming around my brain, regarding church and the way i function in it or see it functioning. . . please take things with a pinch of salt and please layer a ton of Grace. I am at a questioning stage in my life, I process by speaking and by writing. . .so be gracious as I explore.

It's not easy to express my thoughts, partly cause I am still forming them and also because I know a lot of people aren't in the same place that I am in because they have no walked the same road that I have walked.

I think a lot of what is stirring all this up in me, is a deep desire for intimacy. First and Foremost with God. I have been around the block, His word is true, His principles work and He is Faithful. I no longer want to see the fruit from function/principles/obedience [dare I say religion] . . . I want the fruit that comes from intimacy. I don't want to be in the out courts, experiencing the blessings of sacrifice, I want to be in the Holy of Holies hearing His voice, basking in His presence.

I know I often us the example of Jesus healing the crippled person at the pool of Bethesda. He only healed the one. . . when He could have healed all. He didn't move in what He could do or desired to do, he withdrew the night before, and met with God. . . His will was to do the will of the Father, and only that. . . I want to be close enough again to hear that still small voice, instead of running in what I can do.

I also desire relationship with people. I am beginning to wonder if the church has lost its balance in this area? If I look at how much time is spent in meetings, and serving . . . and compare it to how much time is spent in pure socialising/friendship . . . i see a massive imbalance. Most Christians I know only have time to juggle 3 things: Work, Family and Church commitments. Some manage to squeeze in a gym session as well....and i general if you manage to have a social event just for the sake of friendship once every 3 months then you think you are doing well....isn't this a bit off? a non-christian I know said to me she understands why I have struggled to rebuild friendships here. I asked her why, and she said, "because everyone is to busy doing church stuff." . . . if we are created first and foremost for relationship, and we are restored through Jesus blood back into relationship . . . then when did function take the place of relationship?

Are we over committed to serving? Are our friendships a means to an end, ie to disciple someone or raise them up in their gifting or serve together or do we actually want to be their friend? Is church meant to be a place for relationships and friendships or a place of service?

What if i was wrong all these years, expecting church to be a place to find friends, maybe that isn't actually the purpose of church at all? Just like your family is your family, they are not by default your friends. It doesn't mean you dont get on with them, but there is a different dynamic and different boundaries within a family to within a friendship. So is church meant to be more like a family? Would we have less wounded christians if we didn't place the burden of expected friendship on the church but instead saw it as a place of worship and service? or a place of family?

Or is it meant to be a place for relationship with each other? but then if it is, have we fallen short of this? I realised that despite years of studying up on church, and years of being taught church doctrine, and being in the church. After years of church being one of my biggest passions that i literally gave up my life and country for . . . I don't really know what church truly is meant to be.

I know that I have seen it done wrong over the years. I know that I am hurt and have been hurt because its not adding up to my expectations. I don't know if those expecations are correct or not though. Because i am not 100% sure what the face of the church should look like.

So I am digging deep and exploring the word of God to try catch a glimpes, to restore what needs restoring in me, through repentance and/or healing. As I said its a process . . . one that takes time . . so not every blog will be on it, because in the week i generaly dont have mental capacity or time to dig into this . . .but there will be some more thoughts on this topic coming soon.