I think last night's blog might not have made much sense . . . part of the reason was i was really down and sick, i suspect food poisoning . . . so it was hard to keep my thoughts together as I had a raging fever, that made me slightly delusional .... no really. i was walking through a shopping center convinced i was about to become the new lead character in a movie about a disease outbreak. you know the one where the person is healthy one moment and then suddenly, always in a public place, they drop down dead having unleashed their germs upon all present so that the disease spreads like wild fire and takes out the entire earth's population....
But i didn't die, and i didn't unleash a plague, i just suffered the repercussions of bad sushi . . . to the point that i had to try sleep sitting up because if i lay flat....well lets just say "it" all came back up....i think sitting up helped gravity keep it down.
I am not saying what i wrote was untrue . . . not at all . . . just possibly that it wasnt written in a way that makes sense. . . so if it didn't make sense... thats ok...its hard enough to be searching for answers, even harder to try and voice them to another ...but combine that with a bad fever....well its pointless.
I sat talking to a friend about some of my thoughts today. . . trying to express what I was really searching for. . . because my heart is not to criticize the church. Yes, i think that all churches are flawed because full truth hasnt been revealed yet, and also because it has mankind leading it, and we arent perfect because we arent God. And yes I am suffering from round peg square hole syndrome at the moment when it comes to church, so that won't help my point of view. . . but i think i finally hit the nail on the head this morning while chatting....
What is it that makes church unique, special, different? What is God's intent for church?
Because a lot of what we DO as the church can, and often does, function without church. let me explain that statement. There are charities [christian or non] feeding the poor, helping the orphan, doing community work. There are para-church organisations doing mission work and reaching the lost. You can fellowship with christians who arent in your church, and do it at a venue that is NOT church. So much of what we functioning in as church, also functions well outside of church and without church. You can worship in your own home, alone or with friends. You can get the word of God not just from your bible, but the click of a button and you access thousands of sermons etc. So if church is not solely about WHAT we do, or worship or relationship or the word. . . then what is it about?
If all those things can exist [in a successful godly way] outside of the church. . . then what is it exactly that is so special about the church? What was on God's heart when He planned and purposed and set church aside? what makes His bride beautiful? What makes it different to the rest of these things being done?
I guess that is the answer I am looking for. . . and perhaps it really is something as simple as its not what WE DO but WHO WE ARE, that makes the church different. Just as that is true for us as individuals. I know one of my biggest struggles in life is wanting to be loved and accepted for WHO I AM not what I DO. And as a result anything that smells just a hint of works orientated relationship makes me want to kick back and lash out and yell FAKE! as i run away from it. . . .because I have been popular for my gifting before. I have been welcomed because i fulfill a need . . . but when you are no longer needed, the affection wanes. . . .
Maybe that is why at the moment I am over aware of the works orientated church our culture seems trapped in, and why i am disgruntled not just with my lack of relationships but the supposed state of the church. [as seen through my eyes].
Maybe its because i too have lost sight of WHO the church is because I am focused on WHAT the church does. . . after all, She is and will always remain His beloved one, His beautiful Bride, His passion.
But yet, surely there has to be more than just that....or does there?
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