Oh look....another box

I was doing my usual quick scroll through social media as I sipped on my first cuppa coffee for the day. This post/advert briefly caught my eye. . . I can't remember the exact wording but it was something along the lines of this. The danger of telling a single story about ourselves or our lives is that we will become only that story. If you continuously portray or perceive a person as one thing, then that is what they become.

I spent about a decade of my life in Albania, as most know. We, as humans, often use the place people live as an identity marker. I know in South Africa, I was not born in Durban, but most of the Durbanites frown upon people from where I was born [close to JHB] and so I didn't disclose to them where I was born, I pretended I was always a durbanite. Yes, where we come from can influence who we are... but it is not the sum total of who we are.

So I spent time in Albania, but before that I had spent 23 years in South Africa [born and raised], and almost a year in America. What many have not grasped yet is since Albania I have been back in South Africa almost 5 years.  Yet, I am still referred to as the girl from Albania, or Albanian or the missionary. I have been off the mission field half as long as i was on it. But because for so many years I was on it, it has become yet another box for my life, yet another identity assigned to me. But surely I am more than that? Surely there is more to it, but the record of that portion of my life is still playing in people's minds and so it becomes me [to them]. And it will become me to myself if I let it.

I can understand how for some they followed the story so intensely that its hard for them to realise or see that there is more to me. But I am more than Albania. It has been a struggle returning to a culture that was once familiar after a decade in another culture because yes it did shape me and influence me. But in the years since I have been back there have been many life experiences that have shaped me, influenced me and informed me. I understand how I myself, when struggling to adjust, or friends/family/acquaintances when struggling to grasp the changes in me [especially if they knew me before Albania] will want to default on the Albania box to explain it all away. 

But again I ask....surely I am more than that. Surely in the great scheme of life, let alone eternity, I am more than one nation's influence on me. More than one story. Surely there is more to me than the one box still assigned to my identity. Just like a mom is more than a mom. or a wife is more than a wife. or a son is more than a son. Not every American is the same, not every South African is the same. Not every Durbanite is the same. [the list is endless]

Yes it will always be a part of who they are but the have the potential for so much more if we can strip down the boxes we put each other in and allow ourselves the freedom to be ourselves and tell all of our story.  Their is so much diversity around, lets stop boxing it all up and rather spread it out, put it on display.

But first ...Let me take a selfie.

Nope, this is not a blog about the pros or cons of selfie taking, nor the trick to finding the right angle. It is about random occurrences that flitted across my life path yesterday, completely unexpected.

I wanted some down time, the sun was out, so I went down town, to our beach front area. It's where I like to exhale. Despite it being winter, it was a balmy 24 degrees Celcius by the beach, the ocean was still relatively warm enough to swim and there was just a light breeze. Perfection.

As per normal I first went to the aquarium to say hello to all day fishies, and give my shark a kiss hello.

I have an annual pass, so I can go into the aquarium and waterpark section as often as I like. It's great.
I think this little fellow recognised me because he made a bee line straight for me.

So after chilling with the fishies and author marine life, I decide to wander back up to the surface and go enjoy the winter sun on the beach. First plan of action a stroll in the shoreline with the waves breaking over my feet. This is where it all began. 3 young guys [buy young I meant at lest 15 to 20 yrs younger than me] come jogging up to me as I'm strolling and ask if they can each take a selfie with me. I politely decline and pick up my pace a bit as I walk away. all the time in my mind thinking, "well that's odd. Never had that before".  I walked 500m along before turning and walking back... after my 1km stroll I decide to stretch out in the sun for a bit. Another youth comes along and says, "excuse me ....please can I take a selfie with you?" Again I decline. A few minutes later a third youth comes along, this one had a more....um....bubbly strong personality type. She plopped next to me on my beach towel, lifted my hand with my phone up and started singing, "Selfie selfie, please take a selfie with me." given no option, i gave in. I still dont even know her name because once shed accomplished her task of having a selfie with me she simply said thank you and carried on with her day.

Never under estimate the randomness that could cross your path at any second.  Another random act that happened was someone trying to convert me to become Mennonite because I looked like I had a pure soul. Now I will be honest, I have studied a lot about Mennonite culture but did not realise that there was a big following here in South Africa.

This week I also learnt that if you want someone to stop messing with you, and taking advantage of you, and if you have just cause....sometimes you have to threaten legal action and get hold of the boss of bosses. It is amazing how much more quickly and efficiently you can resolve an issue that is been lingering and dawdling about. I am women hear me roar.....ha ha ha ha ha. 

One more day of week ...YAY...and Durban winter is showing off again. Yes up the hill from Durban [where I now live] can get very cold, but our cold days are few and far between. On the whole we have great mild winters. And the closer you are to Durban itself the better, as the ocean stays warm and thus helps keep the city warm.

No Pain No Gain

3:30am and I am rudely awoken by extreme pain. This has rarely happened to me, I almost said "if ever" but then remember a bout of kidney stones some years back. Thankfully this is not kidney stones. It was a strange pain, my shoulder joint was screaming at me, and its minions of pain were beating down my entire arm to my finger joints, causing my muscles to spasm in protest. No idea why it happened, never had arm pain like that before, can only assume I'd slept wrong on my arm or something. It was so painful that it didn't just wake me up but has kept me from going back to sleep or being able to find a position to sit/stand/lie in where I am not aware of the pain. So as I sit and wait for the painkiller to kick in, I might as well blog a bit.

My pain becomes your gain....just joking.

So as most know I work for a doctor, a gynaecologist/obstetrician, who jokingly reminds me how judgy I am. Here is another common moment of me being judgy. We get people from all walks of life coming in pregnant, and it is interesting to see how they all handle pregnancy and delivery. You become close to them as you travel over roughly 9 months together. But many times I will say to my boss, "That one wont want an epidural" And each time I would be correct. One day she asked me how I knew in those particular cases those patients wouldn't want an epidural. And I said to her, "They all come from a certain circle within Christianity where we are taught that because we are free from the curse we need to have faith that we wont have pain in childbirth. So they will try their hardest to grin and bear it to prove their faith." to which she sweetly replied "judgy judgy judgy".

This is not a blog about the benefits/negative side-effects of having an epidural. I'm not into debating medical issues. This is a blog about pain. [and a bit again of my judgy nature] Also it is not only this women from this circle of Christianity who don't want epidurals, there are different walks of life and beliefs who also choose not to have epidurals. I chose this example because it is a reflection on how a an interpretation of scripture can lead us to associate pain with lack of faith.

I'll be honest most of these sweet people probably take a painkiller for a headache or muscle injury or even a period pain. [yes I did just mention periods again on my blog]. But suddenly when it comes to childbirth the ability to take something to assist with pain management is a sin and a show of lack of faith? Also let me tell you, some of the language we hear coming out of these sweet people during childbirth might be far worse reflection of their so-called faith than taking pain medication...but the good news is God is not judgy like me. And is probably more excited at the miracle of life than at the worrying about the pain relief or language expressed in the process. And thank goodness forgiveness is never off the table when we repent. I can also tell you that in 3 years, I have only come across a handful of woman who chose not to have an epidural and were ok with it. The majority come into our office for the first visit post delivery and tell us, "I should have had the epidural." We have even had a few say, "if someone is struggling to decide about an epidural, we will happily speak to them because we wish we had listened."

So again this is not a blog promoting an epidural but a blog about pain. Why is it that we associate pain with a lack of faith?  Why is it we associate pain with the curse? If we are free from the curse then we are free from pain?  There are some who will even ask you, as a christian if you prayed for healing first before you popped your painkiller for your headache? Now, yes I like the concept, and strive for the concept of God first in my life. But God also gifted doctors and scientists with the ability to create medication that can help people. You [hopefully] wouldn't judge a person who takes chemo for cancer or a person who takes ARV for HIV, so don't judge me because I took a pain killer for a frozen shoulder this morning. Yes I did pray, cause the pain was so bad. But I also popped a pill.

I think we need to make peace with the fact that pain is not necessarily a bad thing, nor is it a sign of weak faith. Genesis 3:16 speaks about the childbirth issue when God was cursing humanity. But reading through different translations I see wording like; "I will make your pain in childbearing very severe" not "you will now have pain in childbearing" it states it like the pain was already there and now it would be worse. Many translations say "i will increase your pain".... I am not a theologian but it clearly looks like pain existed before the curse but did increase within the curse.

It would make sense that pain existed because our bodies need pain. It is useful for our protection and survival. If we are injured, we are aware of the injury because of pain. It makes use stop and attend to the injury. It helps us gauge our healing by our pain levels. One of the things nurses check with patients often is their pain level, they have a chart of faces and numbers for patients to be able to express how much pain they are in.

Pain is a warning system. Holding a hot cup of coffee, the heat can be soothing but place your hand on a stove and the pain...not the heat...are a warning sign to yank your hand away quickly to prevent further injury.

Pain is a mother's way of knowing the time has come for life to be brought forth, it triggers the body into action.

And I'm not just talking about physical pain, it just happens to be the easiest illustration to write about, but emotional and spiritual pain to. Jesus wept when his a friend died. Yes Jesus knew he was about to raises him to life again, but that is not the point. Jesus felt the pain of the situation and freely expressed it.

The tears we cry from the pain we carry are useful for healing. Those who mourn will be comforted. God is close to the brokenhearted. Every tear we cry He has taken note of.  Psalm 56:8 [msg] You've kept track of my every toss and turn through sleepless nights. Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book." Pain is a real part of everyday life, some pain is greater than others.

Suffocating/numbing the pain with drugs, alcohol, negative relational behavior,philosophies, ideologies, intellect etc will not heal the pain.  An injured athlete on painkillers performing is at risk of increased injury and permanent damage because they lack the ability to feel the pain, the warning system, of their body. Suffocating/numbing the pain with the incorrect things will do the same thing, increase the injury and possibly cause further injury. Even using the right things to suffocate/numb the pain will have the same effect. I burnt out on the mission field and ended up with PTSD but suppressing pain under my calling and vision and servitude and "following God's will" instead of pausing to mourn. The good things if used incorrectly can do as much damage as the bad things we numb our souls with. If even Jesus could draw aside to find comfort, or weep in the midst of his calling, who do we think we don't need to?  We weren't truly design to grin and bear it and just push through and push on.

We were designed to rest, to heal, to mourn, to cry. Selah.

Pain is not a sign of weak faith, otherwise how do we explain the suffering of Christ? The dislocated hip of Jacob from his God encounter? Everything Paul went through? 

In your pain though, don't go it alone. Lean on God. Lean on your support. Get help in your healing, whether its a doctor, or a medication to assist [not numb] or professional counseling or prayer support or friendship/family support or all of the above. There is no shame in getting help to manage the pain, because many of these things will help in healing the pain too. But make peace with pain and suffering and know that you can be at peace amidst it because He who is great holds you lovingly is catching every tear, making note of every pain.

blurred edges

Brain Strain is fighting to get hold of me after hours of doing [work] admin . . . but I will not give in, I will be strong, because I want to write about this whilst it is still fresh in my mind.

I had an indirect nasty social media moment this morning. A post popped across my screen that highlighted someone publically defaming/berating/slandering/many-more-adjectives- added-here a close friend of mine. It wasn't one of those comments that could be interpreted one way if you were sensitive, or was a vague hint or vague description of possible offence, it was a blatant name-and-shame post. The facts stated were sadly completely fabricated and more than likely will result in a deformation of character law suite, for the person who slandered my friend. It was very damaging. I can't/won't disclose the details but I can tell you that I was extremely angry...like furious angry.

I managed to restrain myself from responding not because I am a good person, nor because I wanted to appear to be the better person in the situation, but simply because of potential legalities. Otherwise I might have let a string of violent words fly from my finger tips across the social media platform. But this morning opened me up to a side thought  ... How much can a wound [emotional] distort the reality of life?

In the midst of the anger I took a moment and realised that this deformation and misrepresentation of the facts was coming from a place of incredibly deep pain. The pain this person had gone through had literally distorted her reality, to the point that she possibly believes her version of events even though her reality doesn't match the facts/truth.

This is something I don't think is considered to much when dealing with people who are deeply wounded and walking through grief or tragedy. We talk about the 5 stages of grief and many aspects like that. How to walk through those stages. How to move on. etc etc We don't, necessarily, consider how that person's reality is forever changed, forever distorted by the event. That who that person is, is forever tainted and distorted by the event. They and their lives are never the same again, this side of eternity. For eg if partner looses their spouse to cancer, that spouse [this side of eternity] is not coming back. That part of their life is gone, changed, and their future reality is forever changed, distorted. Who they are, is changed by the grief.  We often think healing is to bring a person back to the state they were before the tragedy, before the grief, or the incident that caused it. We don't do it with bad intentions, quite the contrary, its usually with the best intentions but the reality is that their life is now distorted.

This person who slandered, not only has grief distorted their life on this side of eternity. They are walking out the journey of this life with the reality of an incident that caused deep grief. Even as the heart heals, they can't go back and make the incident un-happen. This person's future is tinged with distorted vision because of it. Their identity distorted because of it. Their reality distorted because of it. It doesn't make what they did right, it definitely wasn't. It definitely doesn't make what they say true or factual, but its their reality. The grief is so strong that even if they were shown the truth, they wouldn't be able to grasp it within their distorted reality. Amidst my anger, I found a moment to say a prayer for comfort for their grieving soul instead or just raging. It really spoke to something deep within me.

You see, we can put it in a pretty analogy, about how healing is like gluing broken pottery together with gold to create art. but the reality is yes, that pottery now takes on a new form [gold or no gold], it will never be what it originally was before it shattered. It's original image/shape/form is now reshaped/distorted/remolded.

It's almost like people who wear glasses. When you first get glasses, you notice every speck of dust on the glasses and obsessively clean them. The busier you get, the less you remember to clean and the more you adjust to looked through the blurred glass. Grief does that to us, it dirties the glasses of our life, and distorts our vision. We need to be gentle with each other, love each other in the grief and through the grief, not letting our tunnel vision prevent us from seeing the distortion grief has brought to their lives and reality.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

What a week! WHAT A WEEK! I am so tired, more so physically but also just simply exhausted.
We are moving offices, actually we are swapping offices with someone else . . . so you can imagine. But I have had a truth reinforced today. My landlady has the saying, "No good deed goes unpunished." Wow, did this week prove that true.

We tried so hard to be accommodating in this move, and helpful and in return had the ones we helped do something to hinder the move and cost us a full day of business and unpacking. Not fun, nor is it nice.  And truthfully it did not do much to my ability to be nice.

But I have seen it time and time again on both big and small scales. Most often the ones you give a discount to, or offer a hand to or help out are the ones that are not satisfied that your help is enough. They are the ones who keep coming back for more and more help and get irate when they dont get their own ways. They are the ones who will use you to fulfill their vision and then discard you ...sometimes it goes so far as they are they are the ones who rob you - sometimes literally- I had a family I knew that were very poor, we helped feed them, clothe them, educate them. We had them frequently in our house for meals and games. Every time they left our house, they had stolen something.

It seems incredibly wrong but this seems to be the trend in human nature. It's not pretty and often leaves the more generous ones feeling bitter and not wanting to help others anymore. But I want to encourage you . . . .

Stop being nice too the crazy ones.... they get attached and don't go away.

Ok! Ok! I am kidding. Yes, it is a phrase I use often. but truthfully I am a sucker who is nice to everyone even though it often causes strange consequences, that are not always nice.

But in all seriousness, my real advice is . . . DO NOT GET TIRED OF DOING GOOD!

You are more than likely doing good out of who you are, your generous heart, compassion and desire to help. You are made in the image of the creator, you carry his heart. Don't let another person rob you of that. Because you are serving and giving because of who He is and who you are, not because they are worthy or because of who they are. Don't let your heart of love be squashed.
Galatians 6:10
So then, as occasion and opportunity open up to us, let us do good [ morally] to all people [not only being useful or profitable to them, but also doing what is for their spiritual good and advantage]. Be mindful to be a blessing, especially to those of the household of faith [those who belong to God's family with you, the believers]

PS I am writing this more as a motivation to myself today, because the moving process is still not complete and I might loose the plot if I don't remind myself of a little truth.

midnight ramblings from a heart shaped box

Ok, well 4:30 am ramblings but the thoughts have been pounding my brain since midnight.  Happy Monday everyone one, I've had the pleasure of experiencing every minute of this Monday since just before it started, so far . . . now back to what I was saying, ah yes....ramblings.

I have clearly had boxes on my brain for the last few days, as a symbol of protective walls we wrap around our hearts etc etc. I was reminded today of the boxes we often gave people when we were younger, some were empty boxes wrapped in pretty paper, some went so far as to make them heart shaped boxes wrapped in pretty paper. There was nothing inside but a note attached claimed that there was love hidden and wrapped up in it. It was a token gift to make the other person feel loved.

But I fear all to often our true lives mirror that token gift. We have the box protecting our heart, our love center. We then wrap it up all pretty on the exterior with the correct words or masks we wear or some even in their insecurities put a lot of effort into the literal exterior of their lives. But we never let someone unwrap it and get to the heart of it and experience our love.

I'm really aware of the disconnect in our lives. I think I am more aware of it as I battle an illness, note I say illness because it evokes sympathy but if I called it what it truly is a mental illness it evokes a different response in most [not all]. A less sympathetic response.  Food for thought...chew on it or don't.

I feel to a degree that the church [not Christianity] has failed me in the area of relationship. I am sure that I am not alone in this thought but I also know that many would fear to admit to it. I also feel like humanity, in general, has failed me in this area.  But on the flip side I am sure that I, too, have failed many in this area. I too often the pretty mask and correct responses, never letting you tear away the facade, rip through the box and see our heart.

The truth is I am fickle. I want to open up and I tend to verbally open up with a lot of details but without truly letting you in on or close to how I feel. Sometimes I do this because I don't know you.  I am a bit spiteful that way. I play the game of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours". So because you wont show me who you are, expose your heart. Because when I do start to open up you offer generic unemotional responses that reveal nothing of what you truly think . . . offer nothing of who you are....I shut down and the relationship becomes nothing more of cliched conversation lacking depth and intimacy.

The truth is that I am fickle. If you have hurt me before, torn at my exterior mask and poked a hole through to my heart before running off. Then even if we reconnect, I am more guarded. I am expected you to do it again, so I grab the sticky tape [aka defences] and tape my box tightly shut before you have a chance to gain access again. You see the tape, and it offends you and you run off [again] . . . in my mind proving me right. Until we repeat the process a week later, possibly a month...or a year.

But why? why do we run through the negative cycles of relationship? Why do we keep attempting to find a point of connection, intimacy? Why do we desire it so greatly but at the same time try build walls around it? God created us in His image. He is relational. He is Love. [not just loving . . . He is love.] It is interwoven into every part of us. We desire it so badly because it is who we are. Unfortunately our boxes that we build for protection are the things that cause each other pain, and therefor cause [all] of us to add another layer, another box.

We all have our triggers and patterns of behaviour. It is nothing new. and they are not always beneficial. They cause us to come close, almost tear the wrapping off the box, almost open the lid again and then quickly tape it back together. Have you noticed something in our house. The light switch that you switch on and off the most tends to burn out our blow? but the light you leave burning constantly lasts longer? Try apply that in life and love.

The boxes come in all shapes in humanity. They are from our culture, our upbringing, our life experience, our dna [nature vs nurture argument can start here]. We blame our start sign, the chinese symbol for the year we were born in, our love languages, our motivational giftings test, our spiritual giftings test. The list of what we use to shape those boxes around us is endless. Some sound good and true, but its not whether they are true or appear beneficial or have the ability to be good in our lives. . . if we take them and apply them to build a prettily decorated box around us then they are no longer good.

No this is where it gets a bit offensive. . . so if you want to stop reading, feel free. There are many things that are good for us but not all are beneficial. As I said some of the list above can be good for us but if we are applying them in a negative way, they cease being good. [even if we have the best intentions at heart]. Christianity is founded on the principle of relationship. [well it should be] Jesus himself said that the two most important commandments is to Love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind/strength. And to love your neighbour as yourself. [paraphrased]. So if our programs of the church or our religion are preventing true relationship, as good as our programs are....we need to pause and re-evaluate our hearts. Yes your course to break generational curses or deal with grief or your advice to pray more each day or be more grateful etc are all beneficial but when they replace relationship and intimacy and being there for someone even if that person doesn't ever heal....then where is the heart? Yes your principles are biblical but you have missed the very heart of your beliefs. If pursing vision/ministry [your own or others] is so time consuming that you cant build relationships. . . but you justify it because its your calling or label it "seeking first the kingdom of God"...are you truly? because if you are lacking love [1 Corinthians 13] . . .. no matter how eloquent your words and genuine your works...they will be hollow and lifeless in the end.

I've been so challenged by the devotional that I am reading. Today's message was all about a pastor realising that sometimes you need to be a cheerleader and fire up the church, and encourage them verbally but sometimes the most important thing you can do is sit and weep with one who is weeping.

If I look back over some of my profound life moments. I clearly remember pouring my heart out to a couple in their kitchen. It was a situation, like many of life's situations, that was beyond explanation and incredibly painful. I remember so clearly that they didn't try offer an explanation. They didn't try justify why God allowed it or try put a biblical spin on it. They simply let me sit there, open my heart and cry. The wife gently stroked my hair as I cried and both sat and just offered comfort and safe place. That stood out to me more than any sermon that man or his wife ever preached. They weren't interest in breaking a generation curse that might have caused the event. They weren't interested in trying to justify God to me in case I lost faith. They weren't interesting in trying to heal my wounds through truth or biblical principles. They simply loved me in my brokenness regardless.

Truthfully some wounds, some illness and some broken parts of our hearts will never heal this side of eternity. Before you throw me out for being a heretic, think of the scripture that promises a new body, that promises every tear be wiped away. . . its talking of heaven not earth. There is a measure of healing here emotionally and physically but there are some things that wont heal? Can you truly love the broken? the hurt? the wounded? the unlovable? [I say unlovable - we are all unlovable if we allow our wounds to build up our boxes around our hearts]. Or do we love them to fix them? And move on from them if they don't become christian or if they don't ever become whole?

That is why that quote I shared yesterday resounded so deep in my soul. What if the point of our trails is not make us stronger but draw us closer to God? We grow up with the saying what doesn't kill us makes us stronger? We come into a society of self-help books and programs, everything set about to try cure us, helps us grow, develop character. But what if all our brokenness is not an opportunity for growth and progress and self-development but instead is an opportunity to learnt to love and be loved regardless?

Don't hear what I am not saying. I am not saying abolish these programs, or church courses etc. . . . I am saying don't miss out on the jewel of relationship hidden with-in the box just because we are so focused on the box.

shake the box a little more

Going on from yesterday's blog and my annoyance with being boxed and labelled, I thought I might continue with the theme and keep shaking at the box. Before I do I have going to take a moment to speak Christianese [no its not a real language] and add a reflection in from my Christian culture. Be careful as you shake the might tree for you do not know what fruit will be flung down at thee.....

Quite proud of my made up Christianese limerick. So yesterday I was whining about lack of follow through. Seriously it gets my goat, makes my blood boil. I am a words person, through and through and often analyse what is said. But all of that can be negated in a second by lack of follow through.

I was watching the episode of a popular [older] sitcom and the theme song has words like, "I'll be there for you when the rain starts to fall" etc etc. very sweet and warm. and many times in life we mirror the sentiments of the words to that song, verbally . . . but then when push comes to shove ....nudda. and our words are negated.

We promise that we are just a text message away or a phone call away if we are needed but then either we don't respond to the message, or we respond and thing our response is sufficient enough or we respond and are too busy to do anything. or we respond and make plans but double book them. or we respond ...but 2 years after the fact. This is how life rolls. it shouldn't. but it does. No the works of service guys are all a mess because there are no works.  The gift guys are a mess cause there is no follow through and they arent getting gifts to affirm them. And the words guys are a mess cause the ever important words appear false because they are negated.

Then, lets be honest, we become more of a mess because someone else pricks at the skin of our heart, something that doesnt fit the boxes we were told our love language or personality type is. Then we are not just a mess but also confused cause we don't fit into a box.

I read an interesting quote recently...

Imagine. This is something I want to explore more because I think our desire for boxes to fit into, is to wall us in and protect us not help us find our identity. I believe we put God in certain boxes for the same reason. I believe we lack intimacy and instead of allowing it to be created and deepens in the hard times both with God and others, we use our love language/personality/giftings/boxes to fix things but only end up breaking them more, because we are not offering ourselves, our hearts.

more thoughts on this ....soon

Somebody must do it.

I deliberately used the word "must" in the title,  not as a command but as a celebration of my culture. It is one of the most common used words in South African Language . . . and is thrown into most sentences with out having the full weight and authority of the original meaning of the word. "I  must go and get bread and milk from the shops" "remind me that i must return that call" "we must get together sometime". . .  and so i think somebody, anybody,  must do it. . . . not say it. . . do it.

I know many people are all into 5 love languages and rubbish like that. I call it rubbish, yes it appears to hold some truth, but i truly think that it also shoves individuals into boxes and hinders us embracing the individuality Christ created in us. It also gives us an excuse, or reason for broken relationships and bad behavior. It [in my opinion] is no different to horoscopes putting people into personality boxes, it just comes in a different package.

People, being made in the image of the creator, are to wonderfully,beautifully complex to be dragged into boxes. So apparently I fall into the Words of Affirmation. That doesn't surprise me. My life hinges on words,  I love writing and writing lots and lots of words, each picture hanging in my house is centered on words, my art is inspired by words ...even my fridge is covered in magnetic words. The first thing I do when receiving a gift is look [hopefully] for the card to read the words and if there isnt a card there i feel disappointed even if it is a great gift. And if you have ever held a conversation with me, i am not a monosyllable converser.

I fit into that box. That standard. But I can honestly tell you that despite that box, my biggest pet peeve, the one that really gets my blood boiling is when people have a lot to say and no follow through. I HATE IT! Empty promises, even if the promise/intention/motive was so well meaning irritate the "dinges" out of me.  [for non Afrikaans speaking people, dinges is just another salute to my culture, you can insert many different words there to complete that sentence].

I truly think that a time needs to come where actions speak louder than words. With my current car issues, in a nation where public transport is barely existing and not safe, one of the things that stood out to me so much is my boss. The minute she heard the crisis, she was on the phone begging to come pick me up and help me out. For the first few days till I was blessed with a rental car, she went out of her way to give me lifts, make sure i got to grocery stores etc. It wasnt an empty offer, and there was very little discussion, it was simply done. She is super busy. She is a specialist doctor, who delivers babys so is often called out late at night etc. She has a 10 month old and a 7 year old. That week her husband and oldest daughter were extremely sick. But none of this hindered her being supportive.  And those small gestures meant the world to me. There was very little to follow through on that she had verbally promised because she simply did it.

I'll never forget when i first returned to South Africa and was struggling with PTSD there were those who had a lot to say and offered many things, but there actions never reflected their words. They offered to be there for me, but it had to be at their convenience. And it never seemed to be convenient. But there were others who simply were there. Offering a hug. Sitting and praying for me. Buying me groceries. Giving me clothes. Simply checking in on me. [ironically the wordsy ones rose up and warned me to stay away the supportive ones...but thats a story for another day]. I really felt the love of God more through the ones that didn't promise support but genuinely showed support. 

I have so much more to say around this topic . . . and possibly will continue this train of thought later. But I really think we need to start letting our actions reflect our words. In fact our actions should speak louder than our words . . . . and somebody [yes you] needs to just do it. You  must do it.

Could we please stick to the schedule?

Many of us need a routine . . . a schedule . . . a timeline. I will never forget being on the mission field in Albania for 3 months, and every single day the same person would come in and say, "what's the program?".

Even the spontaneous type of personalities, if they look hard enough, will find set patterns and expectations in their lives. We are human beings, we have a limited earthly existence, Our lives are structure, organised and governed by time. We all have a watch to keep track of time. We all have set hours we work, meetings schedule for set times. Times we eat, times we sleep. We set a time to meet friends or go to church. We continously check our phones not just for our social updates but to see what time it is. We have weekly planners and monthly planners and yearly planners. Everything runs on a schedule.

We set goals and projects etc and have a timeline of what should happen when, and when it should be completed. We use these to assess growth and progress. We almost use it to measure success. I work for a doctor and we deal with a lot of pregnancies. There is a timeline, that becomes all consuming to the parents to be for the next 40 weeks [ give or take]. Where there are check ins on the time line to monitor the growth of the fetus and the health of the pregnancy. Most of these parents are tracking an almost minute by minute timeline on apps on their technology of choice. its almost all consuming. And some carry those timelines and apps further once baby arrives, tracking feeding times, sleeping times, pooping times, growth etc. its like they are scheduling life. literally.

But here is the proverbial spanner in the works. . . . are you ready for this???? . . ..

GOD IS OUTSIDE OF TIME AND NOT GOVERNED BY TIME!

Man, now that turns it all on its head doesn't it? a people governed by time learning to be governed by a God who is outside of time, whilst trying to grasp that we are actually eternal beings destined for more than just these years on earth.

Psalm 144:4
I wonder why you care, God—
    why do you bother with us at all?
All we are is a puff of air;
    we’re like shadows in a campfire.

but eternity is still waiting.

So be patient in hoping and waiting, Trust God [who is above time] to be one time, according to his perfect will. Keep in step with the Spirit, don't try run or push yourself ahead or let discouragement drag you behind. But also be patient with others and what God is doing in their lives, don't try make them fit the earthly timeline. We don't know how long grief or illness or answers to prayer or open doors etc take. We don't. We can't see the future and beyond. So we can't push ourselves or others into those time constraints or create a schedule for it. We need to let go of the shackles of time, as hard is it is because we are so bombarded with it, daily. We need to trust in the one who is Omnipotent. He can change things in an instant but sometimes a day will be like a thousand years. Don't loose heart. He has got this.

Do you hear my heartbeat?

It is so difficult to put the state of a human heart into words. Whether the heart is in a good or bad state, but let's be honest usually its a mix of both. To simply be able to express how we truly feel. Do you remember the first time you told your crush that you loved them? Remember the difficulties, shaking hands, stammering words trying to express what your heart was feeling? Do you remember the first time you tried to tell someone how much they have hurt you? Crushed your heart? Destroyed your soul? The choking tears and blinding rage as you try to voice how you feel?  The state of the heart is a difficult thing, one of the most fragile parts of our soul, our existence.

It is even more difficult to open up our hearts when we combined the state of our heart with illness, including mental health issues, or a broken spirit. It is even harder to open our hearts because most others wont open their heart back nor will the treat our hearts like the treasured, fragile, sacred thing it truly is.

The bible often says that where our treasure is our heart will also be. . .That is possibly why we hold it so dear, so close. Why we are so hesitant to open it up. There are probably parts of our hearts that we don't even fully know or see yet, but thankfully God knows. In Psalm 44:21b it says...
  since he knows the secrets of the heart?

He knows, and He is a safe one to entrust our hearts to. Even though He knows, He wants to know from us. He wants us to extend our trust and open up to Him. He knows how hard it is, He knows that tears may overwhelm us or giddy excitement and we might struggle to get the words out. But he isnt so much interested in what or how we say, no God is more moved by the simply fact that we trust Him enough to open up to Him. And as I said, thankfully He is trustworthy and our hearts are safe with Him. Scriptures speaks so often of our hearts being at peace in God etc, i do strongly feel it is a sense of being safe to be vulnerable before Him.

Unfortunately as the saying goes, No man is an island. We are designed to be in relationship not just with God but each other. So difficult to express the state of the heart, but should i dare to show you a glimpse, please hold it gently and treat it with the equal honour of opening up a bit of yours.