I love skype, it is such a great way to catch up with friends and family around the world. I really appreciated that we can actually see each other because of technology. . . We might be hours away and even at different time zones, but we can still connect, its almost as good as meeting face to face in person.
One of the greatest benefits [and downfalls] of skype is that i can see myself whilst chatting to the other person. Yes, i know i can click on something and make me go away, but why would i? it is so much fun catching glimpses of my own expression and facial features whilst skyping. Sometimes its awkward because you notice behavioural habits that you didnt know you did...but generally its great insight into yourself and how you behave in a conversation. It's also a great tool cause its fun to pull faces at yourself, yes i am aware that the other person can see me pulling faces and probably thinks i have lost the plot....but come on, you are never too old to pull faces in a mirror [or on skype - or for a photo] ...its great for a laugh.
That means that i am often only half listening to the other person because i am so focused on me. Sometimes i miss a part of the conversation or miss their facial expression that can be a cue simply because i am distracted by myself.
How many of us are like this with God? How many, when we come into his presence, are so consumed with our lives, our stories, our problems, ourselves. . . we are so distracted by ourselves that we dont fully see his face nor hear his words. . . Just some food for thought,
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Make it stop! Make it stop!
I have recently [and still currently] had the unfortunate experience of contracting Tick Bite Fever [Think Lyme's disease for my american friends.].....I have never known such pain. . . NEVER... and constant...there was no relief.... but let me tell you what was worse than all of this....was struggling with the symptoms and not knowing what was causing it.
So often in life we exhibit symptoms and are not seeing what the root of the problem is and so we treat the symptoms but never get better....this applies to both the physical and emotional and spiritual side of our lives. This is exactly what i did. . . rewind 2 weeks ago.
I am standing talking to a friend, my neck itches, i reach back and scratch it and when i pull away my hand there is a tick in it. I kill the tick and my friend says, "Man, hope you dont get tick bite fever." i say, "not likely." and life carries on....now tick bite fever takes about a week before symptoms appear...by that time i have forgotten all about the bite...life is super busy and work is super hectic.
I was completely swamped at work, had worked late every night for 2 weeks and taken work home, and there was a lot of stress at work. i work for a doctor and there were lots of emergencies going on. I was exhausted, my head was achey, my neck was in a spasm with weird lumps on the one side. Correction when i say my head was achey, it was like a hidden migrain, every movement caused unbearable pain and a wave of nausea...but if i sat dead still it was like a constant pressure band squeezing on my brain. i was having dizzy spells and night sweats and my blood pressure kept spiking.
i was literally arriving home, so exhausted and feeling so horrible that i was in tears. i would climb straight into bed, completely shattered. it was so bad that i almost wondered if i was having the start of a break down... and then on the weekend my period arrived. [sorry for the male readers reading this]... and i thought...maybe stress and this period are the cause... and it was bad...every muscle ached in my body and the nausea was killing me... i seemed overheated, i costantly wanted an icepack on my forehead just to cool me down and help with the pain.
i wasnt coping at work. the headache was continously getting worse, my brain felt cloudy and i was incapable of concentrating and found myself starting sentences and stopping because i had lost my train of thought. i was just not coping and it was getting worse not better. as it got worse i thought, "this is not just a breakdown...this headache is strange."
Eventually after many tears and much prayer, i woke up and thought, "crap i was bitten by a tick a week before the symptoms started...i am such an idiot, this is not a break down or being over worked or my period....this is tick bite fever." for a few days leading up to this, i had started a conversation with my boss and stopped because i didnt want to abuse the privilege of working for a doctor and also cause i was proud....but i honestly couldnt take the pain anymore...so i sat and chatted to her and yup, she agreed....tick bite fever.
the relief at finally knowing what was wrong...and getting the right treatment to deal with the pain....wow. it made the world of difference. now let me tell you the pain didnt go straight away. She even gave me super strong painkillers, and the headache was so bad that it didnt relieve the pain. i was exhausted and emotional, and then on the 3 day of treatment i woke up in the middle of the night and realised, "my pain is not as bad as it was." and i took my pain meds and the pain vanished....well until the meds wore off....but that was a drastic improvement on taking the meds and still being in unbearable pain. . . and with that i felt like a new person...the end was in sight.
You see, i started to fall apart and break down from being in constant pain. . . this time it was a physical wearing down. i had to actually allow myself the ability to be sick, instead of fighting it and pushing through . . . but years ago i had so much emotional pain stored up inside of me that it physically effected me and i had a complete breakdown.
The truth is this, and simply this, we are not created to live in constant pain for a prolonged period of time. whether it be emotional and physical. We are not able to cope with it, we are not designed to cope with it because it is not God's best for us.
But many of us cant get better because we are treating symptoms and not exposing the root. and especially in emotional pain, none of us want to expose those wounds, we want to protect ourselves from further hurt.... but if you dont get to the root cause of it, then you cant get free and healed and you will constantly be in pain and it will destroy you. God is God our Healer but you need to create space in your life for His healing.
That means making space not just for Him and His presence but also for people He has gifted to help you in healing...whether it be a doctor [physical and emotional healing], a pastor, counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist etc...He has gifted people with knowledge and wisdom....don't put God in a box.
He can meet you face to face and with a simple whisper or touch bring forth a miracle, but many times he also works through others, that he has gifted and annointed. . . its still miraculous even if it doesnt fit your box of how you wanted your miracle to happen.
so stop self-medicating and subduing the symptoms, find the root, expose the wound and get true healing.
So often in life we exhibit symptoms and are not seeing what the root of the problem is and so we treat the symptoms but never get better....this applies to both the physical and emotional and spiritual side of our lives. This is exactly what i did. . . rewind 2 weeks ago.
I am standing talking to a friend, my neck itches, i reach back and scratch it and when i pull away my hand there is a tick in it. I kill the tick and my friend says, "Man, hope you dont get tick bite fever." i say, "not likely." and life carries on....now tick bite fever takes about a week before symptoms appear...by that time i have forgotten all about the bite...life is super busy and work is super hectic.
I was completely swamped at work, had worked late every night for 2 weeks and taken work home, and there was a lot of stress at work. i work for a doctor and there were lots of emergencies going on. I was exhausted, my head was achey, my neck was in a spasm with weird lumps on the one side. Correction when i say my head was achey, it was like a hidden migrain, every movement caused unbearable pain and a wave of nausea...but if i sat dead still it was like a constant pressure band squeezing on my brain. i was having dizzy spells and night sweats and my blood pressure kept spiking.
i was literally arriving home, so exhausted and feeling so horrible that i was in tears. i would climb straight into bed, completely shattered. it was so bad that i almost wondered if i was having the start of a break down... and then on the weekend my period arrived. [sorry for the male readers reading this]... and i thought...maybe stress and this period are the cause... and it was bad...every muscle ached in my body and the nausea was killing me... i seemed overheated, i costantly wanted an icepack on my forehead just to cool me down and help with the pain.
i wasnt coping at work. the headache was continously getting worse, my brain felt cloudy and i was incapable of concentrating and found myself starting sentences and stopping because i had lost my train of thought. i was just not coping and it was getting worse not better. as it got worse i thought, "this is not just a breakdown...this headache is strange."
Eventually after many tears and much prayer, i woke up and thought, "crap i was bitten by a tick a week before the symptoms started...i am such an idiot, this is not a break down or being over worked or my period....this is tick bite fever." for a few days leading up to this, i had started a conversation with my boss and stopped because i didnt want to abuse the privilege of working for a doctor and also cause i was proud....but i honestly couldnt take the pain anymore...so i sat and chatted to her and yup, she agreed....tick bite fever.
the relief at finally knowing what was wrong...and getting the right treatment to deal with the pain....wow. it made the world of difference. now let me tell you the pain didnt go straight away. She even gave me super strong painkillers, and the headache was so bad that it didnt relieve the pain. i was exhausted and emotional, and then on the 3 day of treatment i woke up in the middle of the night and realised, "my pain is not as bad as it was." and i took my pain meds and the pain vanished....well until the meds wore off....but that was a drastic improvement on taking the meds and still being in unbearable pain. . . and with that i felt like a new person...the end was in sight.
You see, i started to fall apart and break down from being in constant pain. . . this time it was a physical wearing down. i had to actually allow myself the ability to be sick, instead of fighting it and pushing through . . . but years ago i had so much emotional pain stored up inside of me that it physically effected me and i had a complete breakdown.
The truth is this, and simply this, we are not created to live in constant pain for a prolonged period of time. whether it be emotional and physical. We are not able to cope with it, we are not designed to cope with it because it is not God's best for us.
But many of us cant get better because we are treating symptoms and not exposing the root. and especially in emotional pain, none of us want to expose those wounds, we want to protect ourselves from further hurt.... but if you dont get to the root cause of it, then you cant get free and healed and you will constantly be in pain and it will destroy you. God is God our Healer but you need to create space in your life for His healing.
That means making space not just for Him and His presence but also for people He has gifted to help you in healing...whether it be a doctor [physical and emotional healing], a pastor, counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist etc...He has gifted people with knowledge and wisdom....don't put God in a box.
He can meet you face to face and with a simple whisper or touch bring forth a miracle, but many times he also works through others, that he has gifted and annointed. . . its still miraculous even if it doesnt fit your box of how you wanted your miracle to happen.
so stop self-medicating and subduing the symptoms, find the root, expose the wound and get true healing.
Friday, October 28, 2016
The Benefits of our Mistakes.
How often do we think that our mistakes are costly, horrible, embarrassing, shameful disasters? It is that kind of thinking that can rob us of the true beauty our mistakes can bring forth.
I had a silly incident last night, but it gave me some fresh perspective. It was an ordinary Friday night. I was relaxing at home, watching a dvd. Afterwards I sat in my room praying for a bit before bed. I was praying because I was feeling super stressed about some specific areas in my life, and all these areas are linked to or connected to a specific nation, America.
I reached a point in my prayer where i literally handed it over to God and asked him to Be God in it. and ....AMEN! close on 11 pm my side. the word ""Amen" and just come out my mouth when my phone rang.
It was an American number.
I answered it. I always answer overseas numbers because I have friends and family all over the world.
The voice, though familiar, was not making sense. There statement was confusing. It took a few minutes for us to establish that this person, a friend from South Africa, now living in America had accidently called my number instead of a colleague's. awkward.
My poor friend had messed up. It was a mistake. and it was costly [mistakes usually are] this time it was more likely a financial cost. But the timing of the call, who the person was and which nation they live in was no co-incidence. and no, this has never happened before.
The thing is, I firmly believe in God there are no co-incidences. I don't know what the call means. What I do know is the timing encouraged me greatly that God had heard my prayer and was paying attention. God took my friend's mistake and used it to encourage me.
I look back over life, and at friend's lives. The ones who come through the strongest, are the most positive, and the most encouraging are the ones who don't spend their lives trying to live down their pasts or better themselves or right their wrongs.
These people who come out like shining stars are the ones who embrace God's grace in the face of their mistakes and let Him create something beautiful out of it. They fall, and we all know if you fall you fall hard, but they embrace Grace and Forgiveness and grip his hand and let Him dust them off and then they stand and bring a testimony.
If we strive to live them down, our mistakes continue to have power over us and we run the risk of continued or greater failure, pride and more. We exhaust ourselves and it shapes our destiny. But if we grip the hand of Grace and leave room for God to be God in our mistakes, we not only find restoration and freedom in Him. We allow Him to be the power in our lives. But also that testimony will encourage and bring freedom to others.
just some food for thought this cloudy Saturday morning.
Psalm 37:23-24 [NIV]
The Lord makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand
I had a silly incident last night, but it gave me some fresh perspective. It was an ordinary Friday night. I was relaxing at home, watching a dvd. Afterwards I sat in my room praying for a bit before bed. I was praying because I was feeling super stressed about some specific areas in my life, and all these areas are linked to or connected to a specific nation, America.
I reached a point in my prayer where i literally handed it over to God and asked him to Be God in it. and ....AMEN! close on 11 pm my side. the word ""Amen" and just come out my mouth when my phone rang.
It was an American number.
I answered it. I always answer overseas numbers because I have friends and family all over the world.
The voice, though familiar, was not making sense. There statement was confusing. It took a few minutes for us to establish that this person, a friend from South Africa, now living in America had accidently called my number instead of a colleague's. awkward.
My poor friend had messed up. It was a mistake. and it was costly [mistakes usually are] this time it was more likely a financial cost. But the timing of the call, who the person was and which nation they live in was no co-incidence. and no, this has never happened before.
The thing is, I firmly believe in God there are no co-incidences. I don't know what the call means. What I do know is the timing encouraged me greatly that God had heard my prayer and was paying attention. God took my friend's mistake and used it to encourage me.
I look back over life, and at friend's lives. The ones who come through the strongest, are the most positive, and the most encouraging are the ones who don't spend their lives trying to live down their pasts or better themselves or right their wrongs.
These people who come out like shining stars are the ones who embrace God's grace in the face of their mistakes and let Him create something beautiful out of it. They fall, and we all know if you fall you fall hard, but they embrace Grace and Forgiveness and grip his hand and let Him dust them off and then they stand and bring a testimony.
If we strive to live them down, our mistakes continue to have power over us and we run the risk of continued or greater failure, pride and more. We exhaust ourselves and it shapes our destiny. But if we grip the hand of Grace and leave room for God to be God in our mistakes, we not only find restoration and freedom in Him. We allow Him to be the power in our lives. But also that testimony will encourage and bring freedom to others.
just some food for thought this cloudy Saturday morning.
Psalm 37:23-24 [NIV]
The Lord makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Sunday Random Sunday 3
Been quite a tiring week, but there was still a bit of time for fun and creativity..... my nails fell victim to my creativity this time..... the joys of water marbling....ensures each nail is different from its friend....so much fun....
Speaking of colour.....got a bit more done on one of my art projects.
And of course....as often happens when creativity hits....my hair gets attacked...instead of cutting it...i decided to go back to my roots, my origins..... blonde here i come..... bad pic....still a work in process....but its fun regardless. . .. have a great week all of.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Sometimes . . . Others say it better.
Recently there have been many thoughts and influences and comments coming at me from everywhere. . . but all with a common theme. . . its a strong theme, one we can all do to learn from. . . About not being stuck in the past or going backwards but being in the now and moving forwards. . . I could write a million words about this topic, all relevant and true. . . but sometimes others simply say it perfectly. . . one or two of these quotes I have already shared here, but its worth hearing again.
U2- from song Stuck in a moment. . . ."You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Oh love look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it."
Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.
It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?There it is! " [Is 43:18-19 MSG]
U2- from song Stuck in a moment. . . ."You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Oh love look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it."
From a recent sermon in our church, "We live in a state of influence, so if you are not moving forward you are regressing."
From a conversation with a friend, "“If you relive the past in your mind, you’re doomed to relive it in your heart as well.” That is especially important if whatever situation you're reliving has negative emotion attached to it. Looking back will make those negative emotions fresh every time they're relived. That prolongs the healing process perhaps indefinitely until that practice is stopped. Even if you're reliving good times it can be bad if you're living in the past thinking about the "Good old days" since those days are gone and can never be recovered. There's a reason God created time in such a manner that it's always in the now moving towards the future. I believe that as long as we are alive God's best is still ahead. If we're breathing then we have a hope and a future."
God, "Forget about what’s happened;
don’t keep going over old history.Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.
It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?There it is! " [Is 43:18-19 MSG]
How do you expect God to give you a hope and a future if you are stuck in your past? Life's an eternal journey....don't get stuck at a pit stop/truck stop/road block/rest point along the way and think that you have arrived at your destination.
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Born To Speak the Truth
I have this little badge that i keep, on it is a simple phrase, "Born To Speak The Truth".
I love truth, I hate lies and injustice.
I love truth. I love seeking out truth and digging deep for it. I love defending it. I love sharing it. I am passionate about truth.
Sometimes my need or desire to speak the truth is not always well received, partly because I can get quite ...um....passionate. . . . combine this with a confrontational character and it doesn't always go down well.
But just this weekend I realised that there might be another reason the Truth that I speak is not always well received.
I had one of those conversations. You know those rare gems. A moment when you are just chilling, chatting to a friend and suddenly you can tangibly feel the presence of God as words of wisdom and encouragement are shared. A conversation that is the catalyst to instant change in your life. A truly annointed conversation.
I can honestly say that I walked away changed from that conversation, and having experienced a measure of break through in an instant, that I had been longing for years to see. So what made this conversation different. [and lets be honest, these conversations are rare in our lives.]
Was it the fact that truth was being spoken to me? and not just any truth but truth based on the Word of God? I have had many conversation centered around the Word, and listened to many sermons but not all have left me changed. . . .but why not?
Was it because the conversation was anointed? I mean, i could tangibly feel the presence of God? Honestly I have had many conversations and counselling sessions where the person was anointed by God and yet I walked away unchanged. I mean these others, there was no doubt about the anointing being there. There was no doubt about truth being spoken. But I either left unchanged or I had to fight really hard to embrace, accept and apply what was being said.
Yet one simple conversation between two friends, and in an instant things shifted. I realised a key that I have never fully understood before, though it has been staring me in the face for years. . .
Scriptures tells us in Ephesians 4:15 to speak the truth in love. I believe this is a vital ingredient. I believe this is the ingredient that helps us receptive to the truth and the anointing.
You see, this friend that I was talking to, we have a good, long standing godly friendship that has been established over the years. There is a connection there, and I know them well enough to know that they have my best interest at heart. So I know that when they share truth, even if it is hard truth or convicting truth...even in those things... I know this person's heart and therefore I am open to hear it.
I think this is the difference. . . I think often as Christians we speak truth to convict or share an opinion and its void of love, therefore it just becomes a clanging symbol, resounding Gong!!! a non fruit producing blurb.
I think sometimes we try hard and we try to speak the truth with love. Our zeal is strong, and we sincerely want to make sure it sounds like we have the love of Christ. we really want it to be behind our words, but its not quite there.
Speaking truth in love comes from a different place, a place of relationship. We see it time and time again through out scripture . . . relationship is key. its not just about well worded phrases dripping with "love" cliches but no heart. . . we need to actually LOVE. I am sure that is why Jesus could hand out some heavy rebukes to his disciples like "Get behind me satan", and yet they remained faithful to him and walked into restoration. Because as harsh as the words were, they knew where they stood with Jesus, because they were in relationship. This opened the door for them to speak freely. To be able to bring truth, even the hard truth. To be able to know how to bring truth etc.
I encourage you all, dont be like me . . . dont be running around just speaking the truth because you see a need for it to be spoken . . . even if you lace the sentence with a reminder of how much you love the person..... Speak it in love.....truly in love.... and let it be more than words, your lifestyle needs to reflect your heart too.... i love how Ephesians 4:15 is written in the amplified bible.
But speaking the truth in love [in all things—both our speech and our lives expressing His truth], let us grow up in all things into Him [following His example] who is the Head—Christ
I love truth, I hate lies and injustice.
I love truth. I love seeking out truth and digging deep for it. I love defending it. I love sharing it. I am passionate about truth.
Sometimes my need or desire to speak the truth is not always well received, partly because I can get quite ...um....passionate. . . . combine this with a confrontational character and it doesn't always go down well.
But just this weekend I realised that there might be another reason the Truth that I speak is not always well received.
I had one of those conversations. You know those rare gems. A moment when you are just chilling, chatting to a friend and suddenly you can tangibly feel the presence of God as words of wisdom and encouragement are shared. A conversation that is the catalyst to instant change in your life. A truly annointed conversation.
I can honestly say that I walked away changed from that conversation, and having experienced a measure of break through in an instant, that I had been longing for years to see. So what made this conversation different. [and lets be honest, these conversations are rare in our lives.]
Was it the fact that truth was being spoken to me? and not just any truth but truth based on the Word of God? I have had many conversation centered around the Word, and listened to many sermons but not all have left me changed. . . .but why not?
Was it because the conversation was anointed? I mean, i could tangibly feel the presence of God? Honestly I have had many conversations and counselling sessions where the person was anointed by God and yet I walked away unchanged. I mean these others, there was no doubt about the anointing being there. There was no doubt about truth being spoken. But I either left unchanged or I had to fight really hard to embrace, accept and apply what was being said.
Yet one simple conversation between two friends, and in an instant things shifted. I realised a key that I have never fully understood before, though it has been staring me in the face for years. . .
Scriptures tells us in Ephesians 4:15 to speak the truth in love. I believe this is a vital ingredient. I believe this is the ingredient that helps us receptive to the truth and the anointing.
You see, this friend that I was talking to, we have a good, long standing godly friendship that has been established over the years. There is a connection there, and I know them well enough to know that they have my best interest at heart. So I know that when they share truth, even if it is hard truth or convicting truth...even in those things... I know this person's heart and therefore I am open to hear it.
I think this is the difference. . . I think often as Christians we speak truth to convict or share an opinion and its void of love, therefore it just becomes a clanging symbol, resounding Gong!!! a non fruit producing blurb.
I think sometimes we try hard and we try to speak the truth with love. Our zeal is strong, and we sincerely want to make sure it sounds like we have the love of Christ. we really want it to be behind our words, but its not quite there.
Speaking truth in love comes from a different place, a place of relationship. We see it time and time again through out scripture . . . relationship is key. its not just about well worded phrases dripping with "love" cliches but no heart. . . we need to actually LOVE. I am sure that is why Jesus could hand out some heavy rebukes to his disciples like "Get behind me satan", and yet they remained faithful to him and walked into restoration. Because as harsh as the words were, they knew where they stood with Jesus, because they were in relationship. This opened the door for them to speak freely. To be able to bring truth, even the hard truth. To be able to know how to bring truth etc.
I encourage you all, dont be like me . . . dont be running around just speaking the truth because you see a need for it to be spoken . . . even if you lace the sentence with a reminder of how much you love the person..... Speak it in love.....truly in love.... and let it be more than words, your lifestyle needs to reflect your heart too.... i love how Ephesians 4:15 is written in the amplified bible.
But speaking the truth in love [in all things—both our speech and our lives expressing His truth], let us grow up in all things into Him [following His example] who is the Head—Christ
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Sunday Random Sunday 2
It's that time of the week again...time to have a fun look at what has been going on. Truthfully its been a super busy week, which is why there haven't been any other blogs written this week. Work has been quite chaotic and busy. . .perhaps its the weather....speaking of the weather - we finally had some sunshine and warmth this Saturday just passed.... and boy did it arrive with a vengeance ...but we are back to rain today.
Despite being busy. . . there was of course time for art. . . I learnt a new technique this week... moved on a bit from sketching and learnt some dry brushing. So I have been experimenting with that, as well as working on last week's pic.
Despite being busy. . . there was of course time for art. . . I learnt a new technique this week... moved on a bit from sketching and learnt some dry brushing. So I have been experimenting with that, as well as working on last week's pic.
Despite the stress of the week, I seem to have rediscovered my love for baking. . . art class were treated, and then I had a fun weekend with friends popping in to say hi or play games for hours . . . I do think a rule needs to be established, "if you are in someone's home you may not beat them in their own games...especially if they taught you how to play the game." I am just saying!!!!
Also if the cupcakes stick to the wrapper and fall apart, throw the pieces in a bowl and smother in chocolate ganache. . . home made of course....also added some Marshmallow Fluff [not home made this time].... it was decadent and yummy. . . and a great time with friends, even if some of them beat me at my own game....often!
Please notice i have a kettle....some super delightful friendie bought it for me as a housewarming gift....woohoo....makes life so much easier.
Little by little am adding in some plant life to my patio....so glad most of my plants survived being transplanted....now may they thrive....can't wait till its all set and finished and i can just relax out there....just me and the millions of mosquitoes.....man this place is swarming!!!
so that is a bit of randomness and fun, despite a stressful week . . . i must be honest i end this week and i feel like i have hope again. I am amazed at the goodness of God, so often He is so busy behind the scenes that we miss it....but this weekend [especially] my eyes have been opened.....more on that in blogs to come.....
I know its an old song but this song has really been in my mind and my heart this week . . . its such a beautiful song, and we are so privileged to have his love, and be in his heart. simply click on the title below to go to the link....
I am obviously a very wordy person.... more of a novelist than a blogger. . . sometimes we have a truth in our hearts and then we are chatting with a friend and then sum it up perfectly in a simple sentence that is so deeply profound it could change the course of your life....so i leave you with a quote my friend shared with me this weekend. So profound i made them say it twice and then email it to me....
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Sunday Random Sunday
I've decided to attempt something new. . .I was thinking about how people capture random moments in a day and make a social media video of it. . . and thought, "wonder if that's something I would do."
Instead of doing a video, though, have decided to do a blog with some photos or videos or links or quotes of things that struck me during the week. Kind of like a fun reflection, and a bit of insight into my life. . . it might be random....it might be inspirational...who knows....I decided Sunday was a good day for a bit of Randomness....so here it comes... [PS click on the photo to see the bigger image]
Tuesday night art lessons [ above] . . . the start of something new. actually so far I haven't finished a picture that I've started . . . maybe this time I will.
This quote hit me like a curve-ball . . . it is super profound . . . how often do we get stuck in our heads, our memories or our past? stuck in a moment, it prevents us from moving forward . . . I heard a preacher say this morning that if we aren't advancing...then we are digressing . . . sad but true.
Also, due to pondering this quote... have had a U2 song stuck in my head all week.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emFUtuotHL4
One of my favorite songs, but one of my favorite band has a song with these lyrics [above]. The privilege of grace and redemption....Too often I am aware of my failings, weaknesses and mistakes. Thank God for His redemption love. Go ahead and refresh your soul and take a listen to the song...let yourself be reminding of His forgiveness and refreshed by His love.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5I2HQGWlf2Q
Instead of doing a video, though, have decided to do a blog with some photos or videos or links or quotes of things that struck me during the week. Kind of like a fun reflection, and a bit of insight into my life. . . it might be random....it might be inspirational...who knows....I decided Sunday was a good day for a bit of Randomness....so here it comes... [PS click on the photo to see the bigger image]
Tuesday night art lessons [ above] . . . the start of something new. actually so far I haven't finished a picture that I've started . . . maybe this time I will.
This quote hit me like a curve-ball . . . it is super profound . . . how often do we get stuck in our heads, our memories or our past? stuck in a moment, it prevents us from moving forward . . . I heard a preacher say this morning that if we aren't advancing...then we are digressing . . . sad but true.
Also, due to pondering this quote... have had a U2 song stuck in my head all week.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emFUtuotHL4
Mulberrys! Mullberys! YUMMY Mullburrys! New accommodation has a Mulberry tree that hangs over into our garden, and they are super sweet, super yummy and in abundance...reminds me of a time in my childhood when we were in Johannesburg [well just outside] and we had a Mulberry tree in the middle of our front garden.....did I mention that they are YUMMY?!?!?
One of my favorite songs, but one of my favorite band has a song with these lyrics [above]. The privilege of grace and redemption....Too often I am aware of my failings, weaknesses and mistakes. Thank God for His redemption love. Go ahead and refresh your soul and take a listen to the song...let yourself be reminding of His forgiveness and refreshed by His love.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5I2HQGWlf2Q
Sometimes a girl's just got to buy herself some flowers. #TakeTimeToAppreciateBeauty.
Lazy Sunday afternoons, chilling with a friend, playing a game. . . new memories and fond reminders of times gone by.
I might not be completely unpacked nor settled, but I have invested time in decorating and creating beautiful spaces.
Speaking of creating.... I created a mini water feature, all by myself... so rewarding. just a small one to create some atmosphere. Previous home had fire....this one has water.
I leave you with words of wisdom from the water bottle I found. Take heart, and remember that there is always a reason to smile.
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Little Pig, Little Pig, Let Me In...
Sometimes obvious truth is also simple truth. . . and its not usually new truth either. . . but for some reason it suddenly resurfaces in your brain and hits home.
Today I was thinking about life and everything else in general . . . I have a very busy brain. One of the thoughts I had was this,
"If you let it in . . . it will win."
It's simple but always very true. One of the scriptures I have had shadow me in the last year or so is from Proverbs 4 :23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."
So I have to stop and ask myself, "what am I letting in?" because truth is truth. . . If I let it in, it has won and will continue to win. It might come in subtly, a slight look, a laugh at something inappropriate. It might be justified, bitterness, offence, reaction to rejection, self-pity. They put on the puppy eyes, and the mournful look and we let our guard down and open the door.
Or it might be something seductive and obvious like blatant sin born from the seed of rebellion that we let in the back door. Rebellion never comes through the front door, no it doesn't, not in Christian circles anyway. The front door carries the facade of acting right, and saying the right thing....but we leave the back door open and let it come in. The thing is rebellion, like a lot of other sins, always brings friends.
In Genesis 4:7 we see God warning Cain that sin was crouching at the door, but encouraging Cain to master it. When you open the door to it, it will master you. You need to put it in its place, and keep it out the door. it's a bit like the story of the 3 little pigs and the wolf. The wolf was persistent and kept trying. He kept knocking and huffing and puffing and eventually even tried to climb down the chimney.
The thing is, if the pig had let the wolf in, the wolf would have master him. A lot like red riding hood. . . don't make friends with the wolf. Dont invite it in. He will be at the door. He will beg and plead and howl and huff and puff. Don't open that door.
We are able to resist. God is faithful to provide a way out and He has also given us free will to stand our ground. We stand in his authority. And this doesn't just apply to sin. So many things try to come in to master our lives. There is only one safe bet, only one "thing" that deserves to be allowed access. . . Only one who if He is allowed in, will master but in a good way that will bring about the best in your life and that "person" is Jesus Christ. . . keep your door open to him.
Don't keep him sitting on the porch and act like you know him because he is on your premises and you have heard his voice. . . take the risk and let him in....go ahead, open that door....regardless of what kind of mess is inside. Regardless of what other "things" you have let in and the houseguests they brought with them....let Him in, and Jesus will serve the rest their eviction notice and help you clean it all up....don't be scared....today's here, He's here, ready and waiting for you to open the door.
Monday, October 3, 2016
Sin Seduction Solitude
This is going to be a bit of a random blog, but it occurred to me yesterday while driving to work...
Sin does not like Solitude.
Sinners don't want to be the only ones sinning.
I drive a very busy highway/ main road to work, it is up a hill with sharp bends, and thus for safety has a lower speed limit than your average highway/freeway. It is a road that has accidents on it almost daily, if not more often. What amazes me each day is how many people still drive like they bought their licence online. They are reckless, careless and breaking the law. . . but what surprises me even more is how impatient they get with the ones keeping the law.
You can happily be doing the speed limit, and they will come and drive right up the back of your car and flash their lights and gesture for you to move over so they can speed past. They will continue swerve behind you and try push you out. and if you don't move and they find a gap to go past you, they usually swear at you as they go by.
It's an intriguing reaction. How many of us would swear at someone for keeping the law? Suprisingly quite a few people. I realised a simple truth in watching their antics behind me. They are trying to draw me in. not consciously. But they are bullying me, wanting me speed up past the limit, to be the same as them. They are intimidating me, wanting me to move over and let them fly past like they are right and I was wrong. They are egging me on wanting me to loose my temper, and get angry or swear back or become negative and offended. They are wanting me to join them, in some way, in their sin.
Sinners don't want to be the only ones sinning. Sin has a strategic seduction strategy to suck you into its game, in whatever way it can. . . but you choose to step inside or stand strong. Right from the very beginning it is how it happened. Yes Adam and Eve were standing next to each other when the snake brought his sinful seduction. But Eve drew Adam in. . . she didn't want to sin alone.
When we sin alone we loose the ability to point fingers, shrug off the blame, take responsibility. We find our excuse and our justifications so that we don't have to change. It makes us feel like what we are doing is not so bad because everyone is doing it. Or sometimes we get an even bigger reaction that we hoped for, and the person we were [subconsciously - though sometimes in more deliberate greater sins, consciously] drawing into sin commits a sin far worse than ours.
The standards dont change, regardless of the situation. Sin is defined in the word of God, not by how many are doing the same thing. Be alert, its a strategic game. Its trained in the art of being subtle and sly. And if you think you are better than that, perhaps you are already in the sin of pride pr judgement.
Watch your life and doctrine closely. Guard your heart. Be sure that sin, is a common temptation and its all around us. And as much as sinners don't like solitude, and sin wants a partner. . . once it sucks you in, it will isolate you from God and friends and lock you in a prison of self-hatred and solitude from the ones who love you.
there is always good news though.....
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Sin does not like Solitude.
Sinners don't want to be the only ones sinning.
I drive a very busy highway/ main road to work, it is up a hill with sharp bends, and thus for safety has a lower speed limit than your average highway/freeway. It is a road that has accidents on it almost daily, if not more often. What amazes me each day is how many people still drive like they bought their licence online. They are reckless, careless and breaking the law. . . but what surprises me even more is how impatient they get with the ones keeping the law.
You can happily be doing the speed limit, and they will come and drive right up the back of your car and flash their lights and gesture for you to move over so they can speed past. They will continue swerve behind you and try push you out. and if you don't move and they find a gap to go past you, they usually swear at you as they go by.
It's an intriguing reaction. How many of us would swear at someone for keeping the law? Suprisingly quite a few people. I realised a simple truth in watching their antics behind me. They are trying to draw me in. not consciously. But they are bullying me, wanting me speed up past the limit, to be the same as them. They are intimidating me, wanting me to move over and let them fly past like they are right and I was wrong. They are egging me on wanting me to loose my temper, and get angry or swear back or become negative and offended. They are wanting me to join them, in some way, in their sin.
Sinners don't want to be the only ones sinning. Sin has a strategic seduction strategy to suck you into its game, in whatever way it can. . . but you choose to step inside or stand strong. Right from the very beginning it is how it happened. Yes Adam and Eve were standing next to each other when the snake brought his sinful seduction. But Eve drew Adam in. . . she didn't want to sin alone.
When we sin alone we loose the ability to point fingers, shrug off the blame, take responsibility. We find our excuse and our justifications so that we don't have to change. It makes us feel like what we are doing is not so bad because everyone is doing it. Or sometimes we get an even bigger reaction that we hoped for, and the person we were [subconsciously - though sometimes in more deliberate greater sins, consciously] drawing into sin commits a sin far worse than ours.
The standards dont change, regardless of the situation. Sin is defined in the word of God, not by how many are doing the same thing. Be alert, its a strategic game. Its trained in the art of being subtle and sly. And if you think you are better than that, perhaps you are already in the sin of pride pr judgement.
Watch your life and doctrine closely. Guard your heart. Be sure that sin, is a common temptation and its all around us. And as much as sinners don't like solitude, and sin wants a partner. . . once it sucks you in, it will isolate you from God and friends and lock you in a prison of self-hatred and solitude from the ones who love you.
there is always good news though.....
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Saturday, October 1, 2016
*sniff* *sniff*
*sniff* *sniff*
"eeeeew"
*sniff*
what's that smell?
Oh wait.....it's me.
*cringe*
I am sure we have all had those bad days, where the temperature is too hot and our deodorant fails us. Or a baby has vomited/peed on us, or we have been working in the garden and the fertilizer exploded on us. It can happen, sad but true.
Body odor is not our friend, I remember days climbing into a taxi or onto a bus and you could smell some people a mile away, they were poorer, came from areas that didnt always have running water, they had no money for food let alone deodorant and they obviously ate lots of garlic. its not pleasant but its an indication of the state of their lives.
Smells, as odorous as they are, can be a good thing because they are often a warning sign that something is wrong. How often do we sniff food or milk to see if its off? the smell warns us.
So what odor are our lives giving off? In Christian circles we often talk about how our lives must give off the sweet perfume of Christ etc. These are common topics and phrases thrown around. Or how our worship is like sweet smelling incense rising up to God.
I often don't know what this means or how to achieve it truthfully, and maybe I will explore it more in another blog. But this week I read an interesting quote, it said...
"When your memories are greater than your dreams you are already beginning to die."
aaah the smell of decay. So many of us are trapped in our pasts. So many of us are burdened with the hurt of our past, myself included. So many of us are dying, emotionally and spiritually because of our memories, releasing a stench of decay and an aroma of hopelessness and fear. Fear has a smell, that's what animals sense. Hopelessness does too.
What smell is rising up in our lives?
The good news is that we are not dead and buried, whilst there is breath in our lungs and God is on the Throne, there is still hope. We too can come back to life again. I love the verse in Job 14:8-9 that speaks of a fallen tree, but at the scent of water it comes back to life and begins to bud.
I believe spiritually and emotionally we all have the same hope if only we would draw close to the rivers of living water.
Saturday, September 3, 2016
Lost The Plot
Last night I watched an epic movie. . . Epic as in the genre, not as in, "Dude, that movie was Eh-Pic!". Truthfully the second statement does apply, in my opinion at least because even though it is a seriously old movie, it is a truly awesome one. One that I have watched over and over again.
It's your typical EPIC movie, with the main character on a journey/quest interwoven with radical events, quirky characters, villainous villains and dramatic ups and downs. Of course it has a victim that needs protection so that they can flourish and rise up to conquer the evil that is destroying the land. The hero/ine will do well, then loose or endanger the victim and then rise up and conquer again. It is your basic epic story. So it is rare to get one so well written that it keeps you hanging on even when you know the plot.... but this one does....sheer brilliance.
Have you noticed that in Epic movies its never just a village in threat,I don't know if you have noticed this....its always the entire land, or even the entire earth. There is also always the person who looks like a scoundrel/scalawag/thief/non-good guy who proves us wrong and rises up to fight with the hero.
Have you also noticed that any "enemy" put into exile always escapes or gets released by someone...ALWAYS. in the beginning if the evil is in exile, they will find a way out. without fail, and then rule and conquer. If the good enemy of the evil is in exile, they will be rescued/released or fight their way out and come back and help conquer the evil one.
This makes me think that exile is not enough! if you exile evil or sin [or harmful things] from your life, and think it will remain locked down and hidden for the rest of your days, you are mistaken. . . it will rise up and get free and run rampant again.....you need to destroy it completely.
The good news in reverse is this, when you feel exiled. . . trapped and down and out....it is not forever. Your Kinsman Reedemer is close at hand to help get you out of the predicament. ...so hang in there.
Something else that stood out to me, which i honestly have seen this movie more than ten times without noticing. The plot is not always what we think it is. And this is so true of life. As I said I was watching this movie, typical epic movie where the hero saves the victim and the victim is the key to overthrowing the evil one....complete with battles and sword fights and danger. . . And you watch and you think that is the plot.
You get so caught up in the story line that you sometimes miss out on the fact that it is just the story line a part of the plot or perhaps even the subplot. The hero in this movie was a small in stature, insecure, fearful person. If he were a puppy he would be the runt. Everyone mocked and teased him. At one point, just before he sets out on the epic journey of saving the princess, a wise leader in the village calls him aside and encourages him to believe in himself. He also encourages him that this journey will help him become who he is meant to be. . . this is the true plot.
The journey is truthfully the subplot, without it this man would not become the man he is created to be. Yes the journey seems overwhelming and larger than life and seems to take center stage. . . but its not the main plot, its just an exceptionally well written subplot. The emotions you feel watching the small man rise up into fullness and gain bravery and confidence etc, that is always underlying in each scene because it is the main plot.
Life, destiny, identity and opportunity are weighing heavy on my heart this week. But I think truthfully many of us confuse these things. I will write more on this soon. But I honestly think we get so caught up in the subplot, that we loose the plot.
Life is about discovering God, a deep intimate relationship with Him, and discovery who we are created to be. Circumstances come to buffer us, reveal what we are not or shape us. .. . circumstances are not the main plot, they are just a well written story line to enable the plot to be fulfilled. So take a moment of reflection today and check whether you are on track in your life's journey or whether you have lost the plot.
It's your typical EPIC movie, with the main character on a journey/quest interwoven with radical events, quirky characters, villainous villains and dramatic ups and downs. Of course it has a victim that needs protection so that they can flourish and rise up to conquer the evil that is destroying the land. The hero/ine will do well, then loose or endanger the victim and then rise up and conquer again. It is your basic epic story. So it is rare to get one so well written that it keeps you hanging on even when you know the plot.... but this one does....sheer brilliance.
Have you noticed that in Epic movies its never just a village in threat,I don't know if you have noticed this....its always the entire land, or even the entire earth. There is also always the person who looks like a scoundrel/scalawag/thief/non-good guy who proves us wrong and rises up to fight with the hero.
Have you also noticed that any "enemy" put into exile always escapes or gets released by someone...ALWAYS. in the beginning if the evil is in exile, they will find a way out. without fail, and then rule and conquer. If the good enemy of the evil is in exile, they will be rescued/released or fight their way out and come back and help conquer the evil one.
This makes me think that exile is not enough! if you exile evil or sin [or harmful things] from your life, and think it will remain locked down and hidden for the rest of your days, you are mistaken. . . it will rise up and get free and run rampant again.....you need to destroy it completely.
The good news in reverse is this, when you feel exiled. . . trapped and down and out....it is not forever. Your Kinsman Reedemer is close at hand to help get you out of the predicament. ...so hang in there.
Something else that stood out to me, which i honestly have seen this movie more than ten times without noticing. The plot is not always what we think it is. And this is so true of life. As I said I was watching this movie, typical epic movie where the hero saves the victim and the victim is the key to overthrowing the evil one....complete with battles and sword fights and danger. . . And you watch and you think that is the plot.
You get so caught up in the story line that you sometimes miss out on the fact that it is just the story line a part of the plot or perhaps even the subplot. The hero in this movie was a small in stature, insecure, fearful person. If he were a puppy he would be the runt. Everyone mocked and teased him. At one point, just before he sets out on the epic journey of saving the princess, a wise leader in the village calls him aside and encourages him to believe in himself. He also encourages him that this journey will help him become who he is meant to be. . . this is the true plot.
The journey is truthfully the subplot, without it this man would not become the man he is created to be. Yes the journey seems overwhelming and larger than life and seems to take center stage. . . but its not the main plot, its just an exceptionally well written subplot. The emotions you feel watching the small man rise up into fullness and gain bravery and confidence etc, that is always underlying in each scene because it is the main plot.
Life, destiny, identity and opportunity are weighing heavy on my heart this week. But I think truthfully many of us confuse these things. I will write more on this soon. But I honestly think we get so caught up in the subplot, that we loose the plot.
Life is about discovering God, a deep intimate relationship with Him, and discovery who we are created to be. Circumstances come to buffer us, reveal what we are not or shape us. .. . circumstances are not the main plot, they are just a well written story line to enable the plot to be fulfilled. So take a moment of reflection today and check whether you are on track in your life's journey or whether you have lost the plot.
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Done and Dusted
I posted my blog yesterday, on my birthday and thought . . . 2 more to go....2 more days till i finish my 77 Blog commitment....2 more days till the 1 September [which in South Africa is the first day of Spring.] So I paused and counted my blogs from my day of commitment and realized that yesterday's blog was number 77!
yup! 77 done and dusted. . . .somehow i finished early. . . and ironically [or not] on my birthday. . . It seems that a lot of things are early at the moment. Summer seems to have come early. . . even if it is just for a week. We have all been anticipating spring tomorrow, but summer seemed to knock on our door unexpectedly.
Last week we had a few days that were a maximum of 60.8F/16C and as cold as 46.6F/8C and we had our "warm" days that reach 75.2F/24C and dropped to about 60.8F/16C at night....the last few days has been summer weather....yesterday some parts of Durban already were at 91.4F/33C....and its predicted to be hotter today as well....the week before there was an icey chill in the wind and I still wore a scarf....this week I switched on the airconditioner at work....it just flipped, in an instant....and very early in the season....
We are still hoping for an actual spring...mild temperature and some rain....but yesterday was a definite declaration in the weather that winter was done and dusted. kind of nice that it chose to do that on my birthday. Maybe it is more than a co-incidence....
So things are earlier than expected. . . much earlier....I have thoroughly enjoyed writing 77 in a row....there obviously have been the days where i hated it and questioned my sanity....there were also days where i hit a blank and had to dig really deep to come up with something. there were days when i was sick and tired and didnt want to be bothered....but i did it anyway. . . even when i was away i wrote in a journal and reposted when i got back....it has been a difficult and wondrous way to bring more discipline to my writing. . .
Thank you for hanging in there with me. . . this is not the end.... i might not be posting daily...but the blogs will keep coming.
yup! 77 done and dusted. . . .somehow i finished early. . . and ironically [or not] on my birthday. . . It seems that a lot of things are early at the moment. Summer seems to have come early. . . even if it is just for a week. We have all been anticipating spring tomorrow, but summer seemed to knock on our door unexpectedly.
Last week we had a few days that were a maximum of 60.8F/16C and as cold as 46.6F/8C and we had our "warm" days that reach 75.2F/24C and dropped to about 60.8F/16C at night....the last few days has been summer weather....yesterday some parts of Durban already were at 91.4F/33C....and its predicted to be hotter today as well....the week before there was an icey chill in the wind and I still wore a scarf....this week I switched on the airconditioner at work....it just flipped, in an instant....and very early in the season....
We are still hoping for an actual spring...mild temperature and some rain....but yesterday was a definite declaration in the weather that winter was done and dusted. kind of nice that it chose to do that on my birthday. Maybe it is more than a co-incidence....
So things are earlier than expected. . . much earlier....I have thoroughly enjoyed writing 77 in a row....there obviously have been the days where i hated it and questioned my sanity....there were also days where i hit a blank and had to dig really deep to come up with something. there were days when i was sick and tired and didnt want to be bothered....but i did it anyway. . . even when i was away i wrote in a journal and reposted when i got back....it has been a difficult and wondrous way to bring more discipline to my writing. . .
Thank you for hanging in there with me. . . this is not the end.... i might not be posting daily...but the blogs will keep coming.
Monday, August 29, 2016
beyond imagination
Crazy thing happened this morning....I woke up and I was older....not just a day older...a whole YEAR older. Somehow the calendar had turned over. Here I was obliviously plodding through life and somehow the years ran away from me.
I can honestly say that the life that I have lived up to this point is nothing at all like I imagined it would be.....NOTHING!!!! . . . and what is so cool/scary is that there is still so much life to be had.
You remember when you were in school, you would see these 20 something year olds and be in awe - they so grown up and have it so together.... and then you get there and you feel like nothing changed in your life, like you still a kid? 40 seemed over the hill and practically retired and 50 should have been in an old age home. . . then you wake up, like I did today, and realize you are 37 . . . and 40 is around the corner... and suddenly 40 seems like the new 20. . . and there is still so much life to be had.
My life is definitely not what i imagined. . . and often I look around at the people I encounter on a day to day basis and wonder if their lives is what they imagined. . . and truthfully....I often see people who are my age and they make me feel young. We all age differently. I recently met a woman, i assumed was in her 60's and she was only in her 40's. . . .age and life had not been kind to her. When I was in Albania [and even sometimes here] . . . I look at how people dress and how differently I dress and sometimes it makes me feel younger than I am.... but I am not a mom currently, and don't need to dress like a mom. . . .neither am I a business woman....so I don't need a power suite....what i am....and thankfully what I enjoy being....is simply ME .... in all my elegant eccentricity.
I don't fit society's pattern . . . not by a long shot. . . I have not taken the path most have walked. . . I do not make sense in a lot of people's minds and imaginations . . .but I have walked the most wonderful path available....the path that God has etched out before me....His way. . . .and I have been given the freedom to embrace who HE fully created me to be instead of conforming to society's norms.
My imaginations had to find their rightful place in HIS plan. . . . in my younger [slightly more ignorant days] .... I had it mapped out....marry the guy that I adored at 24....so we could have a few years together before we popped out some children and adopted a child. . . that relationship didnn't last....the marriage didn't happen and neither have the children. . . but the life that happened past that point has been nothing but boring and completely fulfilling. . .
It is scattered across nations and littered with traumas and tragedies and laughter and miracles and adventures and some of the craziest co-incidences that go far beyond imagination. It has been colourful and extravagent and sometimes exceptionally dark. I have met the most wonderous, awe inspiring people and some villians too.... it almost reads like a fairytale . . . but its all true..... and what excites me even more....is that there is still more living to do.......can't wait to see what else He has in store.
Ephesians 3:20
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us...
.....
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.
...........
Now to the God who can do so many awe-inspiring things, immeasurable things, things greater than we ever could ask or imagine through the power at work in us,
..............
Now to Him who is able to [carry out His purpose and] do super abundantly more than all that we dare ask or think [infinitely beyond our greatest prayers, hopes, or dreams], according to His power that is at work within us,
..............................
od can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
I can honestly say that the life that I have lived up to this point is nothing at all like I imagined it would be.....NOTHING!!!! . . . and what is so cool/scary is that there is still so much life to be had.
You remember when you were in school, you would see these 20 something year olds and be in awe - they so grown up and have it so together.... and then you get there and you feel like nothing changed in your life, like you still a kid? 40 seemed over the hill and practically retired and 50 should have been in an old age home. . . then you wake up, like I did today, and realize you are 37 . . . and 40 is around the corner... and suddenly 40 seems like the new 20. . . and there is still so much life to be had.
My life is definitely not what i imagined. . . and often I look around at the people I encounter on a day to day basis and wonder if their lives is what they imagined. . . and truthfully....I often see people who are my age and they make me feel young. We all age differently. I recently met a woman, i assumed was in her 60's and she was only in her 40's. . . .age and life had not been kind to her. When I was in Albania [and even sometimes here] . . . I look at how people dress and how differently I dress and sometimes it makes me feel younger than I am.... but I am not a mom currently, and don't need to dress like a mom. . . .neither am I a business woman....so I don't need a power suite....what i am....and thankfully what I enjoy being....is simply ME .... in all my elegant eccentricity.
I don't fit society's pattern . . . not by a long shot. . . I have not taken the path most have walked. . . I do not make sense in a lot of people's minds and imaginations . . .but I have walked the most wonderful path available....the path that God has etched out before me....His way. . . .and I have been given the freedom to embrace who HE fully created me to be instead of conforming to society's norms.
My imaginations had to find their rightful place in HIS plan. . . . in my younger [slightly more ignorant days] .... I had it mapped out....marry the guy that I adored at 24....so we could have a few years together before we popped out some children and adopted a child. . . that relationship didnn't last....the marriage didn't happen and neither have the children. . . but the life that happened past that point has been nothing but boring and completely fulfilling. . .
It is scattered across nations and littered with traumas and tragedies and laughter and miracles and adventures and some of the craziest co-incidences that go far beyond imagination. It has been colourful and extravagent and sometimes exceptionally dark. I have met the most wonderous, awe inspiring people and some villians too.... it almost reads like a fairytale . . . but its all true..... and what excites me even more....is that there is still more living to do.......can't wait to see what else He has in store.
Ephesians 3:20
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us...
.....
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.
...........
Now to the God who can do so many awe-inspiring things, immeasurable things, things greater than we ever could ask or imagine through the power at work in us,
..............
Now to Him who is able to [carry out His purpose and] do super abundantly more than all that we dare ask or think [infinitely beyond our greatest prayers, hopes, or dreams], according to His power that is at work within us,
..............................
od can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
Sunday, August 28, 2016
PTCS vs cutting them some slack.
I recently read an article about "Post Traumatic Church Syndrome." [PTCS]. it was an incredibly interesting article. some of the statements made were, " They [referring to certain behaviour] weren’t evidence of anything that was wrong with her, but were evidence of wrong things that were done to her." This was referring to some of the anti-church behaviour the person's spouse would sometimes exhibit, despite being Christian. some other things said in the article were, "Church trauma runs deep, because it cuts into our identity" and "Church, ironically, becomes the barrier when in reality it should be the gateway."
I think I found it such an interesting read because you will struggle to meet a Christian who hasn't been hurt by a fellow Christian/Church/Christian Leader. Yet somehow it is a topic we talking about. I know too many Christians who have to walk away from church, in order to heal enough to get back into church. it sounds completely backwards, and logically in our brains we know its not God's best but sometimes being in a church agrivates but instead of helps heal the situation. I KNOW this because I have had to walk away twice. . . now I am not saying its a good principle to do . . . but when you are so burnt out on people pleasing and service sometimes you got to walk away and have a vacation from church. . . Sometimes when you have been put through the ringer by another leader [for eg] and you go to a church you trust to find a place of healing and restoration and counsel but all you encounter is persistant rejection....in those situations you aren't emotionally whole enough to stay, and you certainly dont need fresh wounds added to an existing injury.... its a bit like a blood clot after surgery....it can kill you, spiritually.
And sometimes you are a wounded soldier from the frontline of the battlefield....but if your local church you return to is on the front line of a war....you are not going to heal there.... because you need a hospital not a field clinic run by soldiers who'll only stir you up back into war or condem you for not fighting.....sometimes church doesn't cut it....but should it???
I long for an ideal world where pastors and fellow christians act in line with what we believe and where love is abundant....I think its every Christians desire because too often what we see in church contradicts the word of God.... its a bit like how we tease all beauty pagent entrants of wanting "world peace". We as Christians are all human....justified and loved and forgiven....but our sinful nature still needs a good couple of death blows as we walk out our salvation in fear and trembling and work on sanctification.
I am not downplaying anyone's hurts either....I have had some major church wounds....MAJOR...fun things.... I left a church over a minor doctrinal/opinion issue once....3 years later a member of the congregation and I met and they lovingly asked if I had backslidden because they hadnt seen me around the church in a long time. When I told them that I had moved to this specific church there response was, "that church....it would be better if you had backslidden." ....I KNOW! true story....makes no sense.
I was used by a pastor for half a decade for my giftings and abilities, but when the pastor finally had someone to take over from me, they admitted that they never believed I was called of God to do what I was doing. . . .5 years down the line of using me! I have been severely disciplined by church leadership, which at the time i really didnt like, over a difference of opinion....had all my ministry taken away from me. A pastor I was very close to as a child was found out for sexual abuse. My current landlord who puts his money and convenience over my safety [when we had an intruder on premise] and who belittled me....yup he is a pastor.
You hear how Christians belittle other Christians who have left the congregation. I have incidents where people have left over doctrine/opinions [not major salvation doctrines] and years later if you have contact with the person who left....even if its a casual meet and greet....you get told by the "ones left behind" to cut yourself spiritually free, get prayed for to break any influence etc. like the person who left carries an infectious disease just because they didn't fit perfectly into the cookie mould. And if it was a sin issue....is there no room for repentance? i often want to say to the "left behind ones" ....when last did you speak with this person??? do you know where they are at in God??? how dare we critisize other believers like that? How will we ever walk in unity and love when the church is in the state its in?
The list of offences can go on and on and on [i haven't shared even a tenth of my bad church experiences]...You will here people admimantly say that they will never work for a christian boss again. Or never go back into ministry again. or never go to church aggain. . ...and everyone out there who is Christian can add to this list. There is a popular saying that a lot of Christians I know "jokingly" say...."Christianity would be great if it weren't for the people."
But cut them, and yourselves, some slack..... We are human and still in the process of sanctification, even your leaders and fellow congregation members....and even some who have left... No it doesn't create an excuse for your sin....nor does it create a lisence to sin. . . .Yes we all long for the the great day when the church is known for its love. . . and we are all brothers and sisters and walking in unity. . . .Honestly i think the greatest hinderance to salvations is not a spiritual block but a lack of love in the church. but that is a side topic. . . .
Make peace with the fact that Christianity isn't without its wounds. . . whether its from hurts or persecution . . . .you will get wounded and often you will get wounded by those close to you, even your leaders. it will happen. So be gracious not bitter. The wound is real...get healing.... be wise in your healing. I wish I could say that your church should be a safe place to heal....chances are its not.... truthfully..... but if you are going to take a time out, be wise....time out on your own will make you a sitting target for the devil.... make sure you have mature christians that you are still accountable too...don't disconnect from every christian....keep in the Word. . . . Keep in worship....Keep in friendship. . . try keep in church.... trust me I know, its a tough one at times.
Also set realistic expectations. . . .I am convinced a lot of what we place on our church, and relationships is completely wrong expectations....church is not there to heal you.... i know sometimes it acts like a self-help group or a doctor or a psychologist.... but its not your HEALER.....that is God's role.....don't confuse the two.
Yes Church could help you find your healing in God.... but they are not there to heal you....and yes they shouldn't be hurting you either....but welcome to humanity.... sometimes....its gonna happen.
I have been listening to some interesting sermons and reading up on some church ideas..... Someone once said, "Church is a Spiritual Center" - it is not a "business center" - a way to make money or increase business connections. . .. it is not a "social center" - a way to find friends, intimacy or potential spouses..... and its not a "welfare center" - a charity rescuing the down and out......YES its a bonus when those things come about from being in a church..... but primarily church is there to train and equip you spiritually. . . . .now i need to give this statement a bit more thought.... and i struggle with it because its so cut and dry....DRY!!!! i am all..."where's the love?".... but if there is truth in this statement....then often our expectations are off regarding church, which will only agrivate wounds. . . .
I do believe everything we do should be motivated in love.... i really do.... i do believe relationship is key, and part of the foundation we are created for and image we are made in....but is it the church's priority?
Also....is church too much of a priority? [oooh some religious people just picked up a whole lot of verbal stones to throw in my direction..... hear me out first]. I am not saying church shouldn't be important....but i think sometimes we become unbalanced and church becomes and idol. . . .maybe that is what makes the wound hurt more than other wounds???? [side thought again]..... but when you are in a christian circle....we find that people have little time besides work and church [and immediate family if they are married]....church often doesn't leave time for other interests/hobbies/relationships/even healthy lifestyles.....the only kind of relationships are usually found within a church meeting/function....and if you are ever out of relationships you are reffered back to a service or meeting to get into relationship.... it is the proverbial holy huddle....how on earth do you ever minister to the soul, if you only make time for the spirit? Where is the time to take care of the body - it is a recipe for burnout....and where will you ever meet the lost? and where can you bring the lost too, if they are not ready to committ to Christ yet? no unbeliever wants to "hang out" in a homegroup....maybe a picnic or a dinner....but we don't have time for that. so it seems its all about getting spiritually fat instead of spiritually disciplined.... i think we could all do with a little balance and a heap of Grace..... be gracious to yourself, to others, to His Bride the church....be gracious to your leaders and fellow congregation members....we are just humans..... Put Christ back on the pedestal....not church. . . . get healing for your hurts, but make peace with the fact that hurts are part and parcel of life.... don't walk away from it just because it hurt you.... forgive and let go.
These are rambling early morning thoughts, that have been churning in my heart for a long time....they are not doctrine....they are opinion.... they are not set in stone.... its more of a sounding board this morning...so please also give me some grace.
I think I found it such an interesting read because you will struggle to meet a Christian who hasn't been hurt by a fellow Christian/Church/Christian Leader. Yet somehow it is a topic we talking about. I know too many Christians who have to walk away from church, in order to heal enough to get back into church. it sounds completely backwards, and logically in our brains we know its not God's best but sometimes being in a church agrivates but instead of helps heal the situation. I KNOW this because I have had to walk away twice. . . now I am not saying its a good principle to do . . . but when you are so burnt out on people pleasing and service sometimes you got to walk away and have a vacation from church. . . Sometimes when you have been put through the ringer by another leader [for eg] and you go to a church you trust to find a place of healing and restoration and counsel but all you encounter is persistant rejection....in those situations you aren't emotionally whole enough to stay, and you certainly dont need fresh wounds added to an existing injury.... its a bit like a blood clot after surgery....it can kill you, spiritually.
And sometimes you are a wounded soldier from the frontline of the battlefield....but if your local church you return to is on the front line of a war....you are not going to heal there.... because you need a hospital not a field clinic run by soldiers who'll only stir you up back into war or condem you for not fighting.....sometimes church doesn't cut it....but should it???
I long for an ideal world where pastors and fellow christians act in line with what we believe and where love is abundant....I think its every Christians desire because too often what we see in church contradicts the word of God.... its a bit like how we tease all beauty pagent entrants of wanting "world peace". We as Christians are all human....justified and loved and forgiven....but our sinful nature still needs a good couple of death blows as we walk out our salvation in fear and trembling and work on sanctification.
I am not downplaying anyone's hurts either....I have had some major church wounds....MAJOR...fun things.... I left a church over a minor doctrinal/opinion issue once....3 years later a member of the congregation and I met and they lovingly asked if I had backslidden because they hadnt seen me around the church in a long time. When I told them that I had moved to this specific church there response was, "that church....it would be better if you had backslidden." ....I KNOW! true story....makes no sense.
I was used by a pastor for half a decade for my giftings and abilities, but when the pastor finally had someone to take over from me, they admitted that they never believed I was called of God to do what I was doing. . . .5 years down the line of using me! I have been severely disciplined by church leadership, which at the time i really didnt like, over a difference of opinion....had all my ministry taken away from me. A pastor I was very close to as a child was found out for sexual abuse. My current landlord who puts his money and convenience over my safety [when we had an intruder on premise] and who belittled me....yup he is a pastor.
You hear how Christians belittle other Christians who have left the congregation. I have incidents where people have left over doctrine/opinions [not major salvation doctrines] and years later if you have contact with the person who left....even if its a casual meet and greet....you get told by the "ones left behind" to cut yourself spiritually free, get prayed for to break any influence etc. like the person who left carries an infectious disease just because they didn't fit perfectly into the cookie mould. And if it was a sin issue....is there no room for repentance? i often want to say to the "left behind ones" ....when last did you speak with this person??? do you know where they are at in God??? how dare we critisize other believers like that? How will we ever walk in unity and love when the church is in the state its in?
The list of offences can go on and on and on [i haven't shared even a tenth of my bad church experiences]...You will here people admimantly say that they will never work for a christian boss again. Or never go back into ministry again. or never go to church aggain. . ...and everyone out there who is Christian can add to this list. There is a popular saying that a lot of Christians I know "jokingly" say...."Christianity would be great if it weren't for the people."
But cut them, and yourselves, some slack..... We are human and still in the process of sanctification, even your leaders and fellow congregation members....and even some who have left... No it doesn't create an excuse for your sin....nor does it create a lisence to sin. . . .Yes we all long for the the great day when the church is known for its love. . . and we are all brothers and sisters and walking in unity. . . .Honestly i think the greatest hinderance to salvations is not a spiritual block but a lack of love in the church. but that is a side topic. . . .
Make peace with the fact that Christianity isn't without its wounds. . . whether its from hurts or persecution . . . .you will get wounded and often you will get wounded by those close to you, even your leaders. it will happen. So be gracious not bitter. The wound is real...get healing.... be wise in your healing. I wish I could say that your church should be a safe place to heal....chances are its not.... truthfully..... but if you are going to take a time out, be wise....time out on your own will make you a sitting target for the devil.... make sure you have mature christians that you are still accountable too...don't disconnect from every christian....keep in the Word. . . . Keep in worship....Keep in friendship. . . try keep in church.... trust me I know, its a tough one at times.
Also set realistic expectations. . . .I am convinced a lot of what we place on our church, and relationships is completely wrong expectations....church is not there to heal you.... i know sometimes it acts like a self-help group or a doctor or a psychologist.... but its not your HEALER.....that is God's role.....don't confuse the two.
Yes Church could help you find your healing in God.... but they are not there to heal you....and yes they shouldn't be hurting you either....but welcome to humanity.... sometimes....its gonna happen.
I have been listening to some interesting sermons and reading up on some church ideas..... Someone once said, "Church is a Spiritual Center" - it is not a "business center" - a way to make money or increase business connections. . .. it is not a "social center" - a way to find friends, intimacy or potential spouses..... and its not a "welfare center" - a charity rescuing the down and out......YES its a bonus when those things come about from being in a church..... but primarily church is there to train and equip you spiritually. . . . .now i need to give this statement a bit more thought.... and i struggle with it because its so cut and dry....DRY!!!! i am all..."where's the love?".... but if there is truth in this statement....then often our expectations are off regarding church, which will only agrivate wounds. . . .
I do believe everything we do should be motivated in love.... i really do.... i do believe relationship is key, and part of the foundation we are created for and image we are made in....but is it the church's priority?
Also....is church too much of a priority? [oooh some religious people just picked up a whole lot of verbal stones to throw in my direction..... hear me out first]. I am not saying church shouldn't be important....but i think sometimes we become unbalanced and church becomes and idol. . . .maybe that is what makes the wound hurt more than other wounds???? [side thought again]..... but when you are in a christian circle....we find that people have little time besides work and church [and immediate family if they are married]....church often doesn't leave time for other interests/hobbies/relationships/even healthy lifestyles.....the only kind of relationships are usually found within a church meeting/function....and if you are ever out of relationships you are reffered back to a service or meeting to get into relationship.... it is the proverbial holy huddle....how on earth do you ever minister to the soul, if you only make time for the spirit? Where is the time to take care of the body - it is a recipe for burnout....and where will you ever meet the lost? and where can you bring the lost too, if they are not ready to committ to Christ yet? no unbeliever wants to "hang out" in a homegroup....maybe a picnic or a dinner....but we don't have time for that. so it seems its all about getting spiritually fat instead of spiritually disciplined.... i think we could all do with a little balance and a heap of Grace..... be gracious to yourself, to others, to His Bride the church....be gracious to your leaders and fellow congregation members....we are just humans..... Put Christ back on the pedestal....not church. . . . get healing for your hurts, but make peace with the fact that hurts are part and parcel of life.... don't walk away from it just because it hurt you.... forgive and let go.
These are rambling early morning thoughts, that have been churning in my heart for a long time....they are not doctrine....they are opinion.... they are not set in stone.... its more of a sounding board this morning...so please also give me some grace.
Saturday, August 27, 2016
snakes alive
My precious cat decided to bring me a present today. I was happily sitting at my table, painting, when I hear my cat fumble through the cat flap . . .when he fumbles through I know that he has caught something....usually a bird... As I turn to look he deposits a snake at me feet....and it wriggles...
Needless to say I launched myself over the snake and ran for my door, fumble with my keys and stumbled outside. my heart was racing, and my hands were clenched in fists...why fists? Was I going to punch the snake on the nose? I have no idea....about fight and flight happened all at once in my body.
Knocking on my the other cottage of the property, the lady opens the door and I realize she is equally scared of snakes. There was no one else home to help and I was not going back in there. I honestly had no idea that I was scared of snakes until I owned a cat and had to encounter snakes. Usually they are headless ones in the grass...and even that freaks me out and makes me ask someone else to throw them away. . .
But this was different. . . This one was ALIVE and in MY house. Then this lady says something profound, "What if it gets away from your cat and hides in your house?" That was scarier than my fear. The thought of a snake hidden somewhere in my house for me to accidentally discover, or to imagine it in my bed or something....I had to swallow my fear and go and do something.
So I go back to my house, cautiously like I am hunting a giant lion not a snake. all the while I am chanting, "Please not in my bedroom, please not in my bedroom." The cat has the snake under my chez lounge. The snake is rearing up at my cat.... and I am still shaking. I spot my broom and decide I am going to try sweep this snake out keeping as much distance as possible.
First gently smack my cat on the broom to get him removed from the equation. That was truly comical because he was so intently watching the snake that he didn't hear me coming for home till the broom made contact. His reaction resemble my fight flight but in high speed. it was too funny.
Then I start sweeping the snake out. eveytime I touched it with the broom, it would turn on me...even writing this i get a shudder and a shiver....horrible feelings.
Eventually I get it out my house and down the step onto my patio. . . the other tenant had come to watch....from a distance. Now the snake is on my patio and i think, "Now what?" if I leave it there, it could come back inside or go into the garden. If it goes back into the garden then I might never go back into the garden. Both these scenarios mean my cat will find it and return it....what to do. what to do.
So we spot a bucket, we decide that I should try sweep it in the bucket. That means getting even closer to this thing. So I get it into the bucket while the other lady offers encouragement ....again from a distance. We eventually decide we are going to run across the road and up from the house to a clump of bushes on the pavement/sidewalk. Far away from the house and deposit the snake there.
So the lady tells me not to grab the bucket till she gives the ok. . . meanwhile there is nothing in me that wants to grab that bucket. In my brain I am imagining it climbing out and onto my arm. She first scouts out the land...well the road, to make sure we wont be spotted....like we are committing a huge crime. then she opens the electric gate to our property and yells, "go!go! go!" ...I grab the bucket and hold it as far away from me as possible but still in my line of vision so i can ensure the snake is still in there. I ran as fast as my legs will carry me....but no ordinary run...one of those tiptoe lift the knees high run, maybe because i was convinced there were more snakes everywhere coming to save their friend.
Finally I make it to the bushes and launch the snake into them. Just after I did that, I hear the lady's voice "car alert". I try slow my walk and look relaxed and innocent despite my racing heart and quivering hands. Desperately trying to look like its perfectly normal to be walking down the street, barefoot with an empty bucket. . . .so that was yesterday's adventure....all thanks to my cat....and this little guy.
Needless to say I launched myself over the snake and ran for my door, fumble with my keys and stumbled outside. my heart was racing, and my hands were clenched in fists...why fists? Was I going to punch the snake on the nose? I have no idea....about fight and flight happened all at once in my body.
Knocking on my the other cottage of the property, the lady opens the door and I realize she is equally scared of snakes. There was no one else home to help and I was not going back in there. I honestly had no idea that I was scared of snakes until I owned a cat and had to encounter snakes. Usually they are headless ones in the grass...and even that freaks me out and makes me ask someone else to throw them away. . .
But this was different. . . This one was ALIVE and in MY house. Then this lady says something profound, "What if it gets away from your cat and hides in your house?" That was scarier than my fear. The thought of a snake hidden somewhere in my house for me to accidentally discover, or to imagine it in my bed or something....I had to swallow my fear and go and do something.
So I go back to my house, cautiously like I am hunting a giant lion not a snake. all the while I am chanting, "Please not in my bedroom, please not in my bedroom." The cat has the snake under my chez lounge. The snake is rearing up at my cat.... and I am still shaking. I spot my broom and decide I am going to try sweep this snake out keeping as much distance as possible.
First gently smack my cat on the broom to get him removed from the equation. That was truly comical because he was so intently watching the snake that he didn't hear me coming for home till the broom made contact. His reaction resemble my fight flight but in high speed. it was too funny.
Then I start sweeping the snake out. eveytime I touched it with the broom, it would turn on me...even writing this i get a shudder and a shiver....horrible feelings.
Eventually I get it out my house and down the step onto my patio. . . the other tenant had come to watch....from a distance. Now the snake is on my patio and i think, "Now what?" if I leave it there, it could come back inside or go into the garden. If it goes back into the garden then I might never go back into the garden. Both these scenarios mean my cat will find it and return it....what to do. what to do.
So we spot a bucket, we decide that I should try sweep it in the bucket. That means getting even closer to this thing. So I get it into the bucket while the other lady offers encouragement ....again from a distance. We eventually decide we are going to run across the road and up from the house to a clump of bushes on the pavement/sidewalk. Far away from the house and deposit the snake there.
So the lady tells me not to grab the bucket till she gives the ok. . . meanwhile there is nothing in me that wants to grab that bucket. In my brain I am imagining it climbing out and onto my arm. She first scouts out the land...well the road, to make sure we wont be spotted....like we are committing a huge crime. then she opens the electric gate to our property and yells, "go!go! go!" ...I grab the bucket and hold it as far away from me as possible but still in my line of vision so i can ensure the snake is still in there. I ran as fast as my legs will carry me....but no ordinary run...one of those tiptoe lift the knees high run, maybe because i was convinced there were more snakes everywhere coming to save their friend.
Finally I make it to the bushes and launch the snake into them. Just after I did that, I hear the lady's voice "car alert". I try slow my walk and look relaxed and innocent despite my racing heart and quivering hands. Desperately trying to look like its perfectly normal to be walking down the street, barefoot with an empty bucket. . . .so that was yesterday's adventure....all thanks to my cat....and this little guy.
Friday, August 26, 2016
is it all about the change?
As most know....its been a week.....a very emotionally intense vulnerable week. a lot of my buttons have been pushed.....and a lot of rubbish [for want of a word that doesn't need to be censored out] has happened.
But a lot of this week has been focused on the need for things to change. Coming back, one of the few things that has worked out for me is work....the rest has been an isolating nightmare.... its like trying to fit that proverbial round peg into the square hole. i used to be the square peg in that square hole but life, experience and living in a different culture for years has shaved my corners off....i just dont fit back into church or friendships here [mostly].... its been super tough.
A lot of this week, for whatever reason, God has used people to start to talk with me around this, and how i desperately need change.... obviously its a sensitive issue, and there are wounds and fears and insecurities and conflicting emotions....so dealing with that, plus a stressful week at work plus an intruder etc....man....its intense.... then having to deal with yet another christian leader belittling me and treating me like i have no worth ....that didn't help the week either.....
so here i sit, with a lot on my heart and mind..... having had an intruder on my property and that means the place i was finally calling home, might need to be left and i need to find a new home because landlord wont do anything to increase security. . . and i am driving towards work and the entire morning devotion keeps repeating.
"sometimes for change to happen you need to move." and the pastor wasn't being metaphorical. . . he was being very literal. He was speaking around the topic of Esther and how she had to move from her uncle's house into the kings concubine for things to change in a nation, and for her to step into the next thing. He used practical examples, but over and over he kept repeating that line.....
"for change to happen.....you need to move."
maybe its a coincidence.....maybe its a confirmation....
its been almost 77 days of blogging....almost.... i joked with a few friends....saying maybe this would finally be the catalyst for change....that nicely co-incides with the first day of spring....i was genuinely kidding around....my main committment to non stop blogging for 77 days was to create a discipline in my writing..... but literally my life went from safe and secure in my home to possibly moving house in less than 24 hrs.....so ....i guess you never can tell what will happen or when....or how quickly.....so you never know....change might just be around the corner.....
But a lot of this week has been focused on the need for things to change. Coming back, one of the few things that has worked out for me is work....the rest has been an isolating nightmare.... its like trying to fit that proverbial round peg into the square hole. i used to be the square peg in that square hole but life, experience and living in a different culture for years has shaved my corners off....i just dont fit back into church or friendships here [mostly].... its been super tough.
A lot of this week, for whatever reason, God has used people to start to talk with me around this, and how i desperately need change.... obviously its a sensitive issue, and there are wounds and fears and insecurities and conflicting emotions....so dealing with that, plus a stressful week at work plus an intruder etc....man....its intense.... then having to deal with yet another christian leader belittling me and treating me like i have no worth ....that didn't help the week either.....
so here i sit, with a lot on my heart and mind..... having had an intruder on my property and that means the place i was finally calling home, might need to be left and i need to find a new home because landlord wont do anything to increase security. . . and i am driving towards work and the entire morning devotion keeps repeating.
"sometimes for change to happen you need to move." and the pastor wasn't being metaphorical. . . he was being very literal. He was speaking around the topic of Esther and how she had to move from her uncle's house into the kings concubine for things to change in a nation, and for her to step into the next thing. He used practical examples, but over and over he kept repeating that line.....
"for change to happen.....you need to move."
maybe its a coincidence.....maybe its a confirmation....
its been almost 77 days of blogging....almost.... i joked with a few friends....saying maybe this would finally be the catalyst for change....that nicely co-incides with the first day of spring....i was genuinely kidding around....my main committment to non stop blogging for 77 days was to create a discipline in my writing..... but literally my life went from safe and secure in my home to possibly moving house in less than 24 hrs.....so ....i guess you never can tell what will happen or when....or how quickly.....so you never know....change might just be around the corner.....
Thursday, August 25, 2016
When your security starts to shake.
IT HAS BEEN A WEEK!
I have no idea what happened this week.... but something is [hopefully WAS] definitely going down.
It was like EVERY area in my life that could be shaken was starting to shake.... You know when you are in a place and there are some struggles, but its ok because at the same time there is one or two things that are secure and keep you going.... and then BOOM!! it all goes south....crash crumble....
Of course these types of week usually wait to happen....they wait till you are tired [check], emotional [check] vulnerable [check] God is putting his finger on "tender" areas of your life [check. check. check].
So yup....one of those weeks. . . and then i think its ok i will go to work and not think about these things....but you get to work and there too things are starting to crumble....and there is stress there too and so much chaotic business that you just want 5 minutes to literally be able to breathe.
And the week progresses like that and eventually it hits your super soft spot....You see i love where i live....make that loved. yes it has one or two issues that wear me down....then a BIG issue moved in...but finally that BIG issue was given marching orders and I was looking forward to my safe place becoming my safe place again.....so i woke up yesterday morning only to find footprints in my garden and some garden lights etc stolen....livid does not come close to describing my anger.
This is meant to be my safe place.... having a place to call home is my biggest desire and always has been. i am often a nomad and travellor and have often moved and been uprooted. i moved 9 times in a single year recently [including moving countries].... i was finally in a place for more than a year, starting to feel like it was home....wanting to settle and then....intruders....and all sense of security disappears.
Add to the equation a stressful day that later ended with a fight with my landlord who doesn't want to do anything about security because it causes an inconvenience for him. YES he literally said that. [i had originally spoken to him a year ago about security weak spots and nothing was done.]....so by the end of yesterday, after an equally intense week, my blood pressure was raised, my temper was in overdrive and i was not in the best of moods.
i know days/weeks/months like this come and go. I know that life will always have its ups and downs.... i hate that it happens all at once...but what can you do? you have to keep on keeping on....and you have to hold fast to the ONLY secure thing....God.
I can only keep waiting for the fullfillment of this.... i know that one day it has to happen....one day.
Job 11:18
You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety.
I have no idea what happened this week.... but something is [hopefully WAS] definitely going down.
It was like EVERY area in my life that could be shaken was starting to shake.... You know when you are in a place and there are some struggles, but its ok because at the same time there is one or two things that are secure and keep you going.... and then BOOM!! it all goes south....crash crumble....
Of course these types of week usually wait to happen....they wait till you are tired [check], emotional [check] vulnerable [check] God is putting his finger on "tender" areas of your life [check. check. check].
So yup....one of those weeks. . . and then i think its ok i will go to work and not think about these things....but you get to work and there too things are starting to crumble....and there is stress there too and so much chaotic business that you just want 5 minutes to literally be able to breathe.
And the week progresses like that and eventually it hits your super soft spot....You see i love where i live....make that loved. yes it has one or two issues that wear me down....then a BIG issue moved in...but finally that BIG issue was given marching orders and I was looking forward to my safe place becoming my safe place again.....so i woke up yesterday morning only to find footprints in my garden and some garden lights etc stolen....livid does not come close to describing my anger.
This is meant to be my safe place.... having a place to call home is my biggest desire and always has been. i am often a nomad and travellor and have often moved and been uprooted. i moved 9 times in a single year recently [including moving countries].... i was finally in a place for more than a year, starting to feel like it was home....wanting to settle and then....intruders....and all sense of security disappears.
Add to the equation a stressful day that later ended with a fight with my landlord who doesn't want to do anything about security because it causes an inconvenience for him. YES he literally said that. [i had originally spoken to him a year ago about security weak spots and nothing was done.]....so by the end of yesterday, after an equally intense week, my blood pressure was raised, my temper was in overdrive and i was not in the best of moods.
i know days/weeks/months like this come and go. I know that life will always have its ups and downs.... i hate that it happens all at once...but what can you do? you have to keep on keeping on....and you have to hold fast to the ONLY secure thing....God.
I can only keep waiting for the fullfillment of this.... i know that one day it has to happen....one day.
Job 11:18
You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety.
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