I was mid blog on a completely different topic to the one i am about to share... but then someone poked this button tonight and i decided that i needed to VENT!!!! so here it comes.... are you sure you are ready to handle it???? if not.... feel free to stop reading here.
Having just attended yet another social
setting made up of “non-single” people who deem it appropriate to
parade my singleness in front of everyone else, pointing it out like
a flaw or a something that needs fixing, and trying to rally support
in their cause to cure me.... I would just like to say....
singleness is not a sickness!
In fact I don't want to just say it, I
want to shout it out loud, print it on a t-shirt....design a
billboard or something. So that people will finally get the message!
Singleness is not a sickness, nor a
weakness, nor a flaw and it doesnt make me inferior or second rate to
you.... my identity and self-worth and value are based on who I am in
Christ, not on whether I am married or single.
I am so tired of people treating me
like there is something wrong with me or like i am second rate just because I am single. And i am tired of them constantly passing comments or trying to “Cure” me. . .
for real!
I am currently living in a society /
culture where marriage is almost a god …. it is the mark of a
woman. You may not be called a woman until you are married. You can
be in your 50's and they will still use the same word for you as they
would for a little girl . . . you need a man to be called by their word for woman.
Every day
I have lived in this nation someone has toasted me wishing I get
married soon and asked me why I am still single. In the 5 years I
have lived in this nation I literally have not had a single day pass
without a single comment about my singleness.... and truthfully I am
now tired of it.
I constantly have people adding in
their 22 cents worth . . . no that is not a typo, I know “2 cents”
worth is the expression but on this topic people always seem to be
more than generous with their opinions.
I have been told that I am too thin and
so I don't look strong enough to be a wife, and that is why I am
single. In fact the ones who offer this opinion often do it with a
plate of food in hand ready to fatten me up.
I have been told I am too independent
or too strong or my hair is too long or too short or not blonde
enough or not dark enough or I should wear make up or I am wearing
too much make up etc etc etc....they are always quick to find that
elusive flaw that they can fix to cure me of my singleness.
I have had Christians ask me if there
is sin in my life and is that the reason I am single? I have also
been told directly that I am in sin because I did not come straight
out of my father's house and under a husband's authority. I often
feel like saying to them, “i wasn't aware of any sin in my life, but
your questions and statements are bringing me awfully close to
sinning in my response...” but instead I smile sweetly and count to
10 under my breath.
I have had Christians tell me that I
have “missed the boat”, because I was too fussy. . . I have had
them also tell me to marry an unbeliever, because rather that than be
older than 30 [just a little over 30] and still single. Really? So
its ok to sin, as long as it means I get married?
I have been told that I will never be
respected or have any influence in ministry as a single. [and no this
is not just a woman thing because a MALE friend of mine who happens
to be single was told the same thing....so in line with that I guess
we should all remove the life of Jesus and Paul from the bible
because clearly as singles they couldn't be effective or respected
according to this logic!]
And let me not even get started on the
ones who are continuously match making and trying to set me up, or
pointing out my singleness in public gatherings trying to gather the support of other friends in the hope of finding the elusive cure for
this disease that I have.
So let me set the record straight....
singleness is not a sickness any more
than marriage is the cure.
My identity and worth come from Christ
and His love for me and WHO he created me to be, not from whether or
not I have a ring on my finger and a guy on my arm.
Marriage is not eternal! Sorry to rock
the boat here! But when the end of days comes and we are up their in
heaven, Jesus told us their would be no marriage. So why obsess and
stress over something that is not even eternal?
And if we really get
down to it, marriage is not our entire lives either! We are not born
married and stay married till the day we die.... we are only married
for a portion of our lives, and as much as we hope to have long
fruitful marriages, most will only be married about 50 years, which
is LESS than half the years you are alive!
Before you all go thinking I am an anti-marriage feminist let me clarify. . . I believe in the covenant
of marriage ordained by God. I believe, strongly, that it is part of
God's plan and design, right from the beginning and that it is beautiful and it is GOOD!.
. . I believe it is the only relationship that can fully display
Jesus' love for the Church, which he refers to as His Bride. I
believe it is the thing that reveals one of the great mysteries of
the pursuing love of Christ for us. I believe it is a strong
relationship that has unity which brings the blessing of God and can
be a great testimony to both believers and unbelievers. I really do
want to be married one day and I really do want to have children,
both biological and adopted. . . I really do believe they are PART OF
GOD'S PLAN for my life. . .
I do not believe that they are the only
part of God's plan for my life. [I do believe,as the bible says, that
some are called to celibacy.... personally I hope I am not and choose
to trust for marriage one day], I do not believe that God's plan for
my life can only start once I am married, or only be fulfilled if I
am married. There are many great men or woman who fulfilled God's
plan as singles, because being single was part of His plan for them.
When I first came to serve full time in
this nation, I went through a stage of being VERY discouraged. . . I
had been told by many that it would be better if I returned to South
Africa, got married AND had a child and then came back to be a
missionary in Albania. I was told I would never be respected here
unless I was not only married but also had become a mother.... I was
walking home one night, along the main boulevard, with the lights
casting shadows across the old city walls... and I was belly aching
to God about how difficult it was and how much easier it would be if
I was married, and how tired I was of all the comments.... just
really having a good moan, feeling almost ready to pack my bags and
follow their advice.... but then the still small whisper of God
resounded in my soul and he simply said, “if I needed you married
to be here, then dont you think you would have been married already?”
it was a clear question that adjusted my attitude. God knows what he
is doing, if he needed me here as a married person then that part of
my life [unless I was stubbornly in rebellious sin as some think I am]
would have happened. . . He had a specific reason and purpose for
bringing me as a single woman into this city, this nation, at this
time. . . and until He tells me otherwise, and brings some prospects
across my path, I am not running in that direction.
I will keep walking in what HE has
called me to do, as best I know how, with a heart that seeks to serve
Him first, and to build eternally. . . I have learnt to find my joy
and satisfaction in Him, so much so that if he doesn't ever bless me
with the gift of marriage in this lifetime, I would be ok. the discouraging comments havent let up, if anything they are stronger each day, and i have really had to dig deep into the things of God and find refuge in WHO he has created me to be, too be able to stand under the constant pressure.
I refuse to give up on what I know God
has called me to, in this time, just so that I can pursue marriage. .
. I will not give my inheritance to another just so I can enjoy the
gift of marriage. Instead I choose to pursue Him and allow Him to
work out the other details in my life.... by Faith. He knows its not
good to be alone, and just like with Adam, HE IS MORE THAN ABLE of
taking care of that department when HIS time is right!
I will not settle for second best. . .
call me fussy but I do have my standards... I will not be unequally
yoked! That is just not an option....so don’t expect me to
compromise my beliefs just so that I can be married. I want a
husband who is pursuing God and the things of God, not one who has
his eyes stuck on the temporary things.... and I am prepared to wait
for this.
I want my marriage one day to be that
marriage that honors God, glorifies God and reflects who He is and
how He loves.... something like that is worth taking time over and
waiting for... so excuse me for not running into a marriage with any
guy who crosses my path just because he is single and christian.
I want God's best in my life, I am not
a consolation prize for anyone and I do not want a consolation
prize.... its God's best or its nothing... and I am prepared to wait.
[and in that waiting let Him work on who I am, so that I can be a
good wife to whoever I marry some day] I honestly would rather be
single than married to the wrong person just for the sake of being
married. And I am also prepared to wait as long as it takes, as
opposed to rushing into marriage just because I am in my 30's and
passed my “sell by” date according to certain people's opinions.
Don't get me wrong.... I really do
appreciate your concern and prayers for my singleness.... I know many
of you are just worried about me being alone or lonely or missing my
peek child bearing years. . . and I know many of you are well meaning
in your efforts to cure my singleness. But i urge you next time my "condtion" comes to mind, take it up with the Doctor instead of telling the patient [me] what you think my ailment is.... rather pray for me, as i earnestly seek Him and His will, instead of trying to be my Doctor and cure me.
yours sincerely
an infected woman.
