remembering

Have you ever had it happen when someone takes a photo of you in a dark room, and the use and really large flash and as the press the button, your are temporarily blinded because the flash was so great?

I have decided flashbacks are a bit like that. something pushes the button and the light explodes in your mind revealing images of a time passed, while you are unable for a while to focus on the present, on reality, on the now.

I remember shortly after an traumatic hijacking attempt, on of the pastor's prayed for me that I wouldn't have any flashbacks. Truthfully it worked, except for once. I remember walking to my car, across a parking lot and I heard footsteps running toward me and instantly it hit me, like someone pushing that flash button, the whole night came rushing back over me at the sound of those footsteps. It turned out to be a young kid running to catch up with their mother. It was a terrifying moment, but the only one from that incident. It gave me great sympathy for people with PTSD who suffer with flashbacks. . . and then...

4 Years ago, occuring on the 21 and 22 May 2012, a traumatic event shaped my life. A precious friend, Dorina, was taken from me [and the lives of others who love her] by a horrible curve ball that life through our way. I can honestly say that this has forever shaped my life. You would think 4 years on that it would be easier, and in many ways it is. I can now actually speak about the incident, which i couldn't before. [in fact i wrote about it, in great lengthy detail - I've copied and pasted this below the pictures, after the page break. It is a bit graphic, and lengthy, so only for those with a lot of time on their hands, and who can face trauma - please remember its my account, of what i experienced in this story, and how i interpreted events].

But the flashbacks still occur. They don't occur as frequently, but they still occur, and I don't always know what will trigger them. I know these will get less and less and will eventually fade, but as i said, i do believe this is something that will mark my life, and has changed my life forever. i am not sure if it was more traumatic because i didnt have time to process it, or because of the levels of trauma involved in the incident, not just the incident itself but the confusion and watching others you love go through the trauma and hurting. but i do know the heart is healing, as the Healer holds it, and hopefully a day will come when the flashbacks will cease all together even though, my life is shaped differently because of this incident.

It was the day a precious woman died in a horrible bus accident on a beautiful stretch of the Albanian coastline.  She is sorely missed, my life was enriched knowing her this side of eternity and i cant wait to meet up with her in eternity again. Dorina is one who touched my heart forever, perhaps that is why her story touched me so deeply.

                          Dorina and I

   A Glimpse of the mountainous coastline in the background

  more of the mountains on the same coastline

A Blog in 3 parts ....Part 3

It has been interesting to hear some feedback. one of them has made me realize that in a way i have put church in God's place. Church was never meant to be God. It doesn't let us off the hook. We have our responsibilities but it can't be in place of God, himself.. . its interesting food for thought.
now on to the next installment.

Part three:

I know some of what I have said has been a bit harsh. I almost wish I could detail all my experiences so that you can understand where it all comes from, and maybe one day I will, but not today. Part of it is because I am wounded. I was so wounded in ministry and by church and life that I ended up with PTSD. You know how you see those silly comments, like “my mom went to Europe and all she got me was this t-shirt.” mine would be, “I went away as a missionary and all I got was PTSD”. You can laugh, its OK, I am attempting humor, here, which should show you I am a far cry from what I was a year ago, when I was sucked deep into one of the darkest periods of my life.

During that time, when it seemed hopeless and pointless, and overwhelming I had a moment where I thought it would never get better, where I felt I might be depressed and anxious for the rest of my life. And in that place I asked myself some tough questions, viewing my depression and PTSD as a disease. I asked myself “If I am not healed of this, will I still love myself?” and “If I am not healed of this will I still love God?” and “If I am not healed of this, can God still love me?” these were hard questions to grapple with, and I even shared them with a friend. But there was a 4^th question, that was even harder for me to face, so hard I didn't even voice it at the time, it was this.

“If I am not healed of this, will the church still love me?”

That question broke me, because if I based my answer on experiences in my own life and the lives of others, it wouldn't be a good answer. It is difficult when church is the place you feel most isolated. Where the rejection that comes from church only adds to what you are walking through. Where you leave feeling worse after a service than better. where you see how others who are burnt out are sidelined and mistreated. so this was a heart breaking question to ask, that is possibly why i couldn't even voice it at first, not even to my closest friends.

I wont' go deeper on that because some of it is already touched on in previous blogs. But from that place many things started shifting in my life and in my heart. I knew the answer wasn't good and withdrew completely. I was tired of the added hurt and rejection while trying to recover from hurt and rejection. I am not saying my reaction was the wisest or most godly, but it was my reaction. But in it I also saw something else, and this is going to be a very vulnerable thing.

I was observing other relationships around me, ones that were struggling. Hearing the complaints and heartaches, when it hit me. We sit with our wounds and our needs, and our heartache, wanting the other “person” to understand where we are coming from, to accept us in our brokenness regardless of what reaction our brokenness causes us to have, because after all they are the ones who hurt us. But are we prepared to extend the same hand of grace to them that we are wanting from them? Yeah. Exhale. That is a tall order, isn't it? I don't say it lightly. And I don't say I am there yet, far from it. But truthfully what I expect from them I should be able to reciprocate to them.

Speaking of Grace, I know something I failed to mention in my last blog was a thought I had on the extreme grace movement. I have pondered many things recently, as you already know. One of the things I pondered was where this extreme grace movement came from. I realized a pendulum that is perfectly balanced wont swing to one extreme out of nowhere. A pendulum that swings from one extreme to another is one already at an extreme. Does that make sense. It doesn't jump from the middle, dead still, to the far left. It cant, not without help. But if it is already on the far right, it will happily swing to the far left because there is momentum.

So as much as it is good to look at the dangers and flaws that can arise in the extreme grace movement. We also should look at where we are at as a church and wonder what was extreme or extremely lacking in our situation to cause that reaction, or movement. We have to stop being afraid to look in the mirror, to examine our own flaws. We need to stop only looking at the flaws of others, but also ours. Because from seeing the flaw we can repent and change and refreshing can come.

I think the extreme grace reaction has come because, without realizing it, and with the best intentions possible, the current church has become a works orientated church. [I could go deeper and say why I think we have become works orientated but maybe I'll do that in another blog.] I think because of lack of love and grace, because we have become disconnected and busy, there was an extreme counter-reaction. I don't believe the church has realized how works orientated it is, and I do believe they have done it with the best intentions possible. Anyway that's my two cents on that.

Truthfully its also null and void because we are all broken and incomplete, and out of that we all create hurt. So as much as I am wanting them to acknowledge my hurt and be with me in my brokenness and be patient with me as I heal, can I love them in their brokenness?

The church, in general, over the years, has done me a number. I am bruised and battered and broken, and wanting its grace and love and repentance. But can I be gracious to its broken state? Can I love the church in its brokenness? Or will I withdraw my love from it and stand in judgment and criticism? I know which option I have chosen many times. I also know I felt justified in that stance. But I cant expect to be treated one way if I am not willing to treat others the same way.

It doesn't diminish the hurt or minimalise my pain or situation. It doesn't make my situation less real. It doesn't make what has happened right. It doesn't justify their actions. But that is not what its about. Christ didn't save us so that we could be right or avenged. He saved us in love, so that we could be loved and give love. Part of that love, hurt Him. He endured rejection and pain, physically and emotionally, more than we could ever comprehend. He didn't go through it because the people inflicting the pain were right or what they were doing was right. He did it because He loved them, He loved us. Can I do the same? Can we do the same? In the face of rejection and hurt, which is not His intent at all, can we still extend grace and love? In our friendships? In our marriages? In our churches? Can we extend love, true love?

The solution, the only option is love. Without it we are nothing. It is one of the only 3 things that remain, Faith, Hope and Love. And of these 3 things it is the greatest. Don't loose sight of this. Its time for a love revolution. Let it grip you, let it woo you, let it change you.

A Blog In 3 Parts - Part Two

So here comes the next installment. I urge you, don't jump to conclusions or judgements till you have read all the way till the end of part 3. Also remember this is my experience, my thoughts, my opinions. They might not be the same as yours, and that is ok.

Part two:

I know your deeds,your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. 3 You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.

4 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. 5 Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.

Revelations 2:3-5a

The church is full steam ahead in the world today, its a beautiful thing but also one that warrants caution. I don't think that there has ever been a time before where there was as much church activity, outreach and programs to be involved in. But the word of caution, like in revelations, and like in 1 Corinthians 13, is not to loose sight of love. For without love our works ring hollow.

The plus side of our programs is that we will bear fruit and we are bearing fruit as a church, globally. It is one of the perks of WHO God is, He is faithful and His word remains true. So even a non-Christian could apply His word and get results. But are we successful in His eyes? We are producing fruit, and lots of it, but will it be fruit that lasts?

Jesus didn't save us to make us busy. I think the church, with the best of intentions, has become so busy pursuing temporal things [visions, ministries, outreaches, programs, function] hoping to influence them for eternity, when we should be pursuing the Eternal One and Eternal things and letting that influence the temporal.

I wrote in one of my previous blogs about things that are temporary and things that are eternal. Relationship is key. It is eternal. It is core to our existence.

I have seen two extremes in churches, being exposed to those that are relation centered and those that are function/works centered. I have seen a pastor leave a prayer meeting he was leading to be with someone in hospital,because relationship was more important than function. And i have seen pastors keep broken people waiting months for promised counseling or prayer sessions because they are so busy with church that they cant be there for them. Sadly the latter is more common than the first. Service is taking our priority. And when you are so involved in service you don't have a moment to catch your breath let alone see that relationship has fallen aside. Whilst serving you are constantly around people, so you feel like your social quota is met, emotionally, and when you get home, you are so exhausted from work and church service that you are too tired to realize that it hasn't truly been met, you haven't truly connected and you are truly alone.

I would hazard a guess that the epidemic of burn out in the church, and exhaustion and leaders [and congregation members] living on anti-depressants etc is all stemming out of this situation. I think part of it is being  TOO busy. But I think part of it is also because we haven't been loved, so we have the rejection void in us [more on this later too], and to fill it, and feel accepted we serve. Because when you serve you are in it, part of it, and with it. But what happens when you burn out, and cant serve and are on the outskirts. Ask me, I know, its devastating and lonely, and you see how shallow the facade was.

We will suffer rejection and be weak to it if we are not in relationship. It is the truth. We have it down in the church, when someone is suffering with rejection. We have the solution, we counsel them tell them to deal with the sin that their reaction to rejection has caused, pray for God to heal their broken heart, tell them to find themselves in God so they wont feel rejection again and we assume that is enough.

These are fantastic things and useful things and they do work, but they wont work permanently because we are missing a piece of the puzzle, a part of the equation. As long as that part is missing we will never have a whole, we will never be whole. That part is that God said its not good for man to be alone and created human with human relationships. If we offer only half the solution, but aren't being the solution we only keep inflicting/growing rejection and the problem will persist. We keep wanting to give people an easy solution, not easy to follow but easy on use because it requires less of our time and attention and energy, but we really need to step up and be the solution. We need to love, and be loved. if we arent loved, if we cant accept that we are loved, how can we give love. Christ loved us first so that we could love and be loved. 

I have been warned in my own life, that rejection is my Achillies heel, my weak spot. It is, but we tend to treat it as a disease, look down on it. As if its a bad thing. But its a natural reaction to something happening to me that goes against what God created me to be. I was created to love and be loved. So if I am not being loved, rejection will persist.

Don't hear what I am not saying, there is never an excuse for sin. So sinful reactions out of rejection have no place and need to be repented of. But our rejection will cause us to either obviously withdraw from it all or to loose ourselves in striving [in works in function] in the hope of gaining acceptance, and I believe that is what a lot of the church is operating in but hasn't realized yet.

In the late 90's there were many sermons flying around the church about “friendship before function” this continued into the early 2000's. People focusing on fellowship and friendship and small groups etc. there was a recognition of a need to change, it was challenging but freeing. As I have sat with this on my heart again recently, I have suddenly started hearing rumors within the Christian community, some local churches are again, this month, focusing on small groups and fellowship and the need for relationship, I have also heard of 3 ministries in America coming up with the same theme for this month. Maybe, just maybe something is stirring.

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. God saved us on purpose and for a purpose, but don't be so consumed with it that you miss out on the full package, the glory of love and relationship, not just with God but with each other. Because when we are in relationship then we can be in unity, and then the Glory of God can be manifest and all men can know Christ because we have love one for another.

Remember you weren't saved to become a slave. You were saved to become a son. Its about relationship.

Create an environment where the lost are loved, where you are loved, where you are reconciled with yourself, have made peace with who He created you to be, and where you have made Peace with who He is. Because when that exists the world will stop seeing us as irrelevant and fake and hypocrites. It's not about being perfect, and never messing up. Its about being loved regardless.

That is how Christ is with us, our humanity, our flaws never hindered His ability to love us. Even the church, as flawed as it is and will continue to be until we reach heaven, He still is besotted with us. And because HE loves us, we can love him. [1 John 4:19]. so if we can love others, unconditionally, truly love, truly connect, they too will return love. If we can accept being loved, we too can give love. But there has to be love. Return to your first love, to things you first did, for there is so much more He has for you, oh Church.  

A Blog in 3 parts...part one

I know that I said that I would try post every week. The truth is, its almost a month since my last post. I had written it, got some trusted sources to read and give feedback, as I was quite emotional. Then I rewrote it.  It has been ready for a while now but I have been too scared to post it. Scared or repercussions. Scared of criticism. Scared of sounding critical. But I think its time. Around the world I am hearing more and more sermons being taught on the need to come back to fellowship or be in unity. It seems to be trending . . . the truth is that there can never be true unity without relationship, without love. . . so let me put my fear aside and post the first of a blog so long I had to split it into 3 parts.

Part One:

Have you ever had one of those moments, where a sound wakes you up at 2:30 am, and your brain goes, “Oh good, you're awake. Considering you're up, I've been thinking about a few things.”

It's 3 am, and I have finally surrendered to entertaining my thoughts, after much arguing with my brain. I realize that my sleep for the night is over.

I am a deep thinker. I probably should have been born in a submarine, I love to ponder and analyze and go deep, especially in the areas of God, His Word, and His people. Recently I have had many thoughts weighing heavily on my heart. I have attempted a few times to put it down in writing, and struggled, considering I am awake and my brain is intent on sharing its contents, I am going to make another attempt at it.

To say I have been around the block, a few times, where Christianity is concerned, is an under-statement. I have been exposed to various forms of Christianity and doing church in my life, from very traditional to very non-traditional, and in various nations, from a mud hut in Africa to a Cathedral in Europe. One of my greatest passions is, and will always remain, The Church. His Church, the body of Christ. As much as I want to be an evangelist, and make an effort in that area, and love the lost, I cant seem to escape The Church. More often than not, even in a secular place of work, I find myself being drawn towards Christians who need encouragement and help. It happens without me having to try, its just a God thing that He does because its how He created me to be, and I have learnt that it is futile to try to get away from that.

On the flip side, as passionate as I am about church, it has also probably been the greatest source of my wounds and pain since becoming a Christian. To the degree that I sat down, the other day, metaphorically with my head in my hands, and wondered if I had been living my life in vain? [truthfully it was more lying on the curled up on the floor sobbing my eyes out]. Looking at the state the church has been in, and is currently in, and looking at the wounds I have experienced and seen others experience. I was so disheartened and wondered if I had been deceived and living a lie? I had reached a point, after many traumatic years where I was all set on Christ, and passionate about him. but the church. I honestly didn't want anything to do with the church. I felt the church was looking more and more like a Bridezilla than the Bride of Christ. Depressing, isn't it? And truly I was depressed because of it.

The good news is this, Christ doesn't look at the church and then at His wounds and wonder if it was worth it. He looks at the Church, regardless of the state, and is overwhelmed with love for His Bride. With a compassionate, unconditional, all consuming till death type of love. Yes literally, till death, taking on the worst punishment ever so that we could be reconciled to Him, as His beloved, His bride. So that the church could be born out of it.

Problems in the church are nothing new. If we were to believe that the church was ever perfect, then majority of the new testament would not exist. So many of the letters in the new testament include bringing correction to a church or the church for an area it had fallen into error in. Even the book of Revelation, its all end time symbolic/prophetic stuff but includes a lengthy 7 church encouragement and rebuke session. So I think we are deceiving ourselves if we don't see our weaknesses and flaws. Because if we don't see them, then we cant do anything about them. You cant repent of something that you pretend doesn't exist. And without repentance there is no forgiveness and there is no time of refreshing to follow.

So in the next few blogs I am going to be real, about my experiences with church life, in general, not specific, not to be critical and condemning, but because I know there is so much beauty that can be in the Bride, so much more for us, and we are missing out on a huge portion of that because of our blind spots. We, as a body, as the church are worth so much. We are His beloved, bought with a blood price, His treasure, His prized possession. We as the church are part of the great mystery, His masterpiece and master-plan.

Ephesians 3:10-11New International Version (NIV)

10 His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms, 11 according to his eternal purpose that he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord.

As good as it is to be focused on bringing the lost into the kingdom, and this is VERY important, and part of the reason we exist, we also need to be concerned about the state of the church, because the lost, once saved by God, need a place to be a part of. A place where they will go grow in their relationship with God, and with His body. We cant be undoing the good of evangelism with the state the church is in. I know, lets hold it all in tension because truthfully God is the one who saves, not us. And God is capable of discipleship without us, but He has also chosen us, to be his body.

I believe one of the areas we are struggling as a Church, globally, is that we are a generation who is disconnected. Technology definitely plays a role in this. And if you look in the world, the world is even pointing this out as a weak point in our generation, in this age. We are so hung up on our phones, and social media and chats etc, that we are missing out on life. We are with people but we aren't really with them, usually we are on our phones, etc even in their presence. Sitting down and connecting with someone is replaced with a few quick text messages.

Also, particularly in the western culture, we are simply too busy to make room for others. It never ceased to amaze me in Albania, that no matter how busy people were, they would make the time for you. It was a nation where relationship was priority, because of its culture. Near the end of my stay there I was starting to see that change, especially in the church, but it wasn't always like that. With technology and the pace of life, we are becoming a generation that is disconnected and struggling to form natural healthy relationships. There is a lack of intimacy because we cant connect.

This causes a conflict and a rise in rejection. God created us for relationship. Right in the very beginning, He created Adam to be in relationship with Himself. But He looked on Adam and said, “it is not good for man to be alone.” Adam wasn't truly alone, He had God. But we are created in the image of God. God has relationship with His own kind, Himself. The Godhead three in one. We too are created to have relationship with our own kind, because of being like him. God knew this, and pointed it out, saying it wasn't good to be alone.

So if we are a generation who are disconnected, we are going against what we are God created to be, and it results in depression, rejection and striving. We might not realize how much it has infiltrated the church, but it has. When a person is going through a difficult time, it's so easy to drop a fix all line, like “I'll be praying for you.” rather than walk the person through the difficult time and we do this because often we don't have the time. Its the equivalent of sending a quick text message instead of connecting over a cup of coffee or a meal. We do this too. When we see the person our emotions surge and we hug like long lost friends and make promises to meet/see a movie/hang out/ have dinner/get together for coffee, and then we walk away, get lost in our business and forget, till we see the person again. Even if that is 6 months or a year down the line. We don't feel disconnected because maybe we viewed their social media page, so we don't realize we actually haven't connected with the person. Or because we saw them at church, so that counts as relationship. Or because we dropped them a text message. But our relationships are getting shallower and shallower, because we are loosing the ability to connect. Now its not about HOW much time you spend together or what you do together, its about actually connecting with the person. Intimacy. There are some friendships from my past that had such a deep connect that I could bump into the person years later and pick up as if no time has passed. Friendships now days are not like that any more. Even when we see each other, especially in a church situation, our eyes are darting around to see who else we need to remember to greet while our minds are focused on many different things we need to do. Our intimacy is being seriously effected.

They used to say no man is an island, but technology and being busy, has essentially put each person onto an island, but we don't realize how isolated we are because we still get our notifications and we are still functioning.

Now there is nothing wrong with functioning, [more on this later], and we are seeing much good come out of the modern church, especially on behalf of the poor and oppressed. This church era is addressing human atrocities like trafficking and sex slaves and prostitution like non before has. It truly is putting its energy into good causes.

But we cant loose sight of one of the fundamentals. God sent Jesus to the cross for the sake of reconciliation of relationship. To reconcile the relationship between man and God, to reconcile man to himself [when we are not who we are created to be there is a conflict within ourselves and we lack peace etc], and to reconcile man to man. Relationship. It was part of his plan right from the beginning, and He has given His all so that we can walk in the depth of it again. Don't loose out on the fullness of what His sacrifice was for because we are sampling only part of it, or because we have become adapted to our culture and times around us.

part two coming soon.....