Hi all of you wonderful people out there... I know its been forever since I have blogged. I have been working my finger to the bone, crocheting up a storm because I will be selling my creations at a market for the first time ever....super daunting and exciting all at once.
You can find pics of my stock here...
smudge designs
The name smudge has been in my brain and heart for years. I am/was a perfectionist by nature, and this has often hindered my creativity. Even as a young kid my parents would hide the crayons because I would get so angry and full on tantrum when what I was trying to draw was imperfect or didn't match how it looked inside my head.
Smudge is the antidote to all of that. . . it is the joy of imperfection which leads you to find imperfect joy....or maybe that should be perfect joy. . . its making peace with the flaws and realising that is what makes something unique and ultimately beautiful.
So its a big step for me to put my creativity out there in public but its one I am taking regardless of the risks.
So this has kept me from writing for a while . . . but I am back....finally.
There really isnt a theme to today's blog, its just random ramblings to touch base again. My brain is constantly full and constantly thinks of random stories and sayings and insights. In face I think that I possibly need to start carrying around a notebook to record them because within an hour another insight will take hold of my mind, kicking the first one into the folder of forgetfulness.
In South Africa, we have had the privilege of many public holidays recently. In fact this is the 4th short working week in a row. It has been great on one hand but also, truthfully not great for work itself. Let's be honest its one less day to get done what needs doing, and has left me quite far behind on admin. Then on top of it, due to some weight gain. . . and by some, i mean 12 kilograms in a year, my clothes don't necessarily fit the way that they did before. Today was such a day, when I realised - only after I had arrived at work - that my top was too tight and uncomfortable. It literally felt like it was cutting into my armpits. Plus I was wearing heels, so it made for an all together, constantly uncomfortable, working day. I was clock watching, constantly fidgeting, desperate for the minutes to pass so that I could get home and get into some comfortable clothes. When the day was finally over I almost wanted to shout "Freedom" as I dashed toward the parking lot, knowing comfort was just a short drive away.
Now I am privileged because at least I love my job and even when dressed in uncomfortable attire I can enjoy being there, and my cry for freedom really was an over-reaction today. But I remember a time gone by when I was in a terrible job, where everyday I literally felt a rush of joy and freedom as my hand turned the doorknob to leave and go home. It was horrendous and soul crushing, but it taught me a lesson that was well worth learning . . . stay true to yourself, and do what you enjoy . . . a paycheck is not worth staying in a job that makes you miserable.
So currently I am in a job that is not necessarily at my skill level but its one I enjoy and it has the added bonus of meeting my needs, and I leave at the end of the day happy for having been there . . . this is priceless because my job . . . my career....even my calling....do not define WHO I AM! If it did I would have no identity whilst being a scholar and no identity after retirement. A job, even a calling, is merely something I do. It might include aspects/skills/talents that are part of who I am. . . but it isn't who I am. . . It doesn't own me, nor control me nor define me. . . and if it ever did, then maybe it would be time to look elsewhere for something that was beneficial to me.
You have to not just follow your heart but you need to remain true to yourself. I was, for a long time, in an environment that was exactly where I was meant to be and it was true to me and true to my desires, and I believe was a calling from God. Unfortunately others didn't agree. Constantly they added their side of things. "you cant do this single, go home and get married and then come back." "God couldnt have called you because you are single." "God couldnt have called you because you are a woman." "You dont fit the culture here." "It would have been better if you were older and more conservative." and on and on the degradation of who I am was thrown at me. But I stood, even though it eroded at my confidence and bruised my heart, for almost 10 years I stood because it wasn't about their opinion, I was right where I knew I needed to be.
Wow, the ramblings went deep . . . I am not sure why all of that surfaced, but it did. My heart and head, as I have said, are constantly full. There is so much life still to be had, I might not be living it according to what society dictates nor the accepted norm. . . But I know who I am, because I know who created me and he is helping me see, and to this one thing, I will remain true because, in light of his great sacrifice, its the least that I can do.
