Ok, well 4:30 am ramblings but the thoughts have been pounding my brain since midnight. Happy Monday everyone one, I've had the pleasure of experiencing every minute of this Monday since just before it started, so far . . . now back to what I was saying, ah yes....ramblings.
I have clearly had boxes on my brain for the last few days, as a symbol of protective walls we wrap around our hearts etc etc. I was reminded today of the boxes we often gave people when we were younger, some were empty boxes wrapped in pretty paper, some went so far as to make them heart shaped boxes wrapped in pretty paper. There was nothing inside but a note attached claimed that there was love hidden and wrapped up in it. It was a token gift to make the other person feel loved.
But I fear all to often our true lives mirror that token gift. We have the box protecting our heart, our love center. We then wrap it up all pretty on the exterior with the correct words or masks we wear or some even in their insecurities put a lot of effort into the literal exterior of their lives. But we never let someone unwrap it and get to the heart of it and experience our love.
I'm really aware of the disconnect in our lives. I think I am more aware of it as I battle an illness, note I say illness because it evokes sympathy but if I called it what it truly is a mental illness it evokes a different response in most [not all]. A less sympathetic response. Food for thought...chew on it or don't.
I feel to a degree that the church [not Christianity] has failed me in the area of relationship. I am sure that I am not alone in this thought but I also know that many would fear to admit to it. I also feel like humanity, in general, has failed me in this area. But on the flip side I am sure that I, too, have failed many in this area. I too often the pretty mask and correct responses, never letting you tear away the facade, rip through the box and see our heart.
The truth is I am fickle. I want to open up and I tend to verbally open up with a lot of details but without truly letting you in on or close to how I feel. Sometimes I do this because I don't know you. I am a bit spiteful that way. I play the game of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours". So because you wont show me who you are, expose your heart. Because when I do start to open up you offer generic unemotional responses that reveal nothing of what you truly think . . . offer nothing of who you are....I shut down and the relationship becomes nothing more of cliched conversation lacking depth and intimacy.
The truth is that I am fickle. If you have hurt me before, torn at my exterior mask and poked a hole through to my heart before running off. Then even if we reconnect, I am more guarded. I am expected you to do it again, so I grab the sticky tape [aka defences] and tape my box tightly shut before you have a chance to gain access again. You see the tape, and it offends you and you run off [again] . . . in my mind proving me right. Until we repeat the process a week later, possibly a month...or a year.
But why? why do we run through the negative cycles of relationship? Why do we keep attempting to find a point of connection, intimacy? Why do we desire it so greatly but at the same time try build walls around it? God created us in His image. He is relational. He is Love. [not just loving . . . He is love.] It is interwoven into every part of us. We desire it so badly because it is who we are. Unfortunately our boxes that we build for protection are the things that cause each other pain, and therefor cause [all] of us to add another layer, another box.
We all have our triggers and patterns of behaviour. It is nothing new. and they are not always beneficial. They cause us to come close, almost tear the wrapping off the box, almost open the lid again and then quickly tape it back together. Have you noticed something in our house. The light switch that you switch on and off the most tends to burn out our blow? but the light you leave burning constantly lasts longer? Try apply that in life and love.
The boxes come in all shapes in humanity. They are from our culture, our upbringing, our life experience, our dna [nature vs nurture argument can start here]. We blame our start sign, the chinese symbol for the year we were born in, our love languages, our motivational giftings test, our spiritual giftings test. The list of what we use to shape those boxes around us is endless. Some sound good and true, but its not whether they are true or appear beneficial or have the ability to be good in our lives. . . if we take them and apply them to build a prettily decorated box around us then they are no longer good.
No this is where it gets a bit offensive. . . so if you want to stop reading, feel free. There are many things that are good for us but not all are beneficial. As I said some of the list above can be good for us but if we are applying them in a negative way, they cease being good. [even if we have the best intentions at heart]. Christianity is founded on the principle of relationship. [well it should be] Jesus himself said that the two most important commandments is to Love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind/strength. And to love your neighbour as yourself. [paraphrased]. So if our programs of the church or our religion are preventing true relationship, as good as our programs are....we need to pause and re-evaluate our hearts. Yes your course to break generational curses or deal with grief or your advice to pray more each day or be more grateful etc are all beneficial but when they replace relationship and intimacy and being there for someone even if that person doesn't ever heal....then where is the heart? Yes your principles are biblical but you have missed the very heart of your beliefs. If pursing vision/ministry [your own or others] is so time consuming that you cant build relationships. . . but you justify it because its your calling or label it "seeking first the kingdom of God"...are you truly? because if you are lacking love [1 Corinthians 13] . . .. no matter how eloquent your words and genuine your works...they will be hollow and lifeless in the end.
I've been so challenged by the devotional that I am reading. Today's message was all about a pastor realising that sometimes you need to be a cheerleader and fire up the church, and encourage them verbally but sometimes the most important thing you can do is sit and weep with one who is weeping.
If I look back over some of my profound life moments. I clearly remember pouring my heart out to a couple in their kitchen. It was a situation, like many of life's situations, that was beyond explanation and incredibly painful. I remember so clearly that they didn't try offer an explanation. They didn't try justify why God allowed it or try put a biblical spin on it. They simply let me sit there, open my heart and cry. The wife gently stroked my hair as I cried and both sat and just offered comfort and safe place. That stood out to me more than any sermon that man or his wife ever preached. They weren't interest in breaking a generation curse that might have caused the event. They weren't interested in trying to justify God to me in case I lost faith. They weren't interesting in trying to heal my wounds through truth or biblical principles. They simply loved me in my brokenness regardless.
Truthfully some wounds, some illness and some broken parts of our hearts will never heal this side of eternity. Before you throw me out for being a heretic, think of the scripture that promises a new body, that promises every tear be wiped away. . . its talking of heaven not earth. There is a measure of healing here emotionally and physically but there are some things that wont heal? Can you truly love the broken? the hurt? the wounded? the unlovable? [I say unlovable - we are all unlovable if we allow our wounds to build up our boxes around our hearts]. Or do we love them to fix them? And move on from them if they don't become christian or if they don't ever become whole?
That is why that quote I shared yesterday resounded so deep in my soul. What if the point of our trails is not make us stronger but draw us closer to God? We grow up with the saying what doesn't kill us makes us stronger? We come into a society of self-help books and programs, everything set about to try cure us, helps us grow, develop character. But what if all our brokenness is not an opportunity for growth and progress and self-development but instead is an opportunity to learnt to love and be loved regardless?
Don't hear what I am not saying. I am not saying abolish these programs, or church courses etc. . . . I am saying don't miss out on the jewel of relationship hidden with-in the box just because we are so focused on the box.
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