But recently I have finally given up, thrown in the towel, and surrendered. Many things led to this point or realization/decision. One is through reading my favorite author and listening to an interview with him. He was talking a lot about the topic of surrender, even in his novels. He uses a word many times called, "Deditio". It is the Latin word for complete surrender. He talks about the concept we find in Proverbs 3:5-6.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Its a place of letting go of what you think you know, need to know, who you are etc and completely wholeheartedly trusting in God. I know we all talk about this and hope to live like this, but do we?
I realized because life wasn't look the way I wanted it to look, and because it was so exceptionally difficult and frustrating and isolating at this point in time, that it couldn't be God's will. Maybe I should consider plan B.
It wasn't until a good friend, with truly good intentions, encouraged me to go to plan B, literally, plan B being another nation. That something inside my rose up and said, "No because I heard God tell me to come back to South Africa." and that settled it, and suddenly I was back in a place where i could stop kicking and fighting His will, which makes no sense, at the moment and rest in what He told me to do.
I am not talking about presumptions or good ideas, this is something I have heard God on many times. When i moved to Albania, the scripture He gave me all those years ago directly told me that I would return to South Africa. When it came time to leave Albania, again, He clearly showed me to go to South Africa, though i had 5 different options open for me to choose between.
As I have said it sucks here at the moment! It's lonely and isolating and difficult, and on top of it I am still trying to heal my wounds. But whoever said, "If its difficult its not of God" ? or "If it is horrible, its not of God" ? etc. I don't think Joseph woke up in his prison cell rejoicing everyday at how wonderful that rank, dank small, dark cell was. But yet it somehow was a part of God's plan, and God worked it all out.
So now, when the emotions rise, which they often do. When the thoughts cry out. When I look at my life and try make sense of things, because I am currently in a very different place to where I want to be, or where I know I am ultimately called to be, or to be doing. I am consciously saying, "Ok God I don't get this, it sucks, I cant change it. . . so I give it to you, You called me here, You can take care of this."
It's time to leave my story in the hands of the author, He knows the plot, He knows the beginning from the end because He is the beginning and the end. It's time for complete surrender.
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