My goal since re-starting my blog is
to try post something once a week. This third entry has been the most
difficult one to write, not because the topic is difficult but
because I have so many thoughts on so many varied topics at the
moment and I wasn't sure which one I wanted to write about. In fact
I am still not sure which one to start to write one, I narrowed it
down to two. 1] is a deep and potentially offensive. And 2] is some
deep life pondering.
I have decided on the second one, I
will set the proverbial cat among the pigeons another time.
The other day I had a sudden
realization, completely out of nowhere. “I might not want to have
my own children anymore.” [I can see those who know me go and
re-read that statement, confused, and in disbelief.] It's not like I
have made a hard and fast decision in this direction, but I realized
that my mind has changed.
Before having children was a priority
of mine. It was a non negotiable in a marriage partner, I didn't just
want my own but I also wanted to adopt. Since the age of 15 I have
always wanted to adopt. I love children and I love working with
children. One of my favorite things is to hold a sleeping baby. I
have spent a lot of time in my life working in orphanages etc.
Children have been a huge factor for me. Somehow in the last year,
this priority has shifted.
Some of this is influenced by where I
work. Everyday I am around pregnant women or women with “female”
problems because of the doctor I work for. I see what a woman's body
goes through and think to myself, “WOW! My body will be going
through ALL that and I'm a lot closer to 40 than these ladies are.”
I think of the health implications on my baby, with my age galloping
towards that great 40 milestone. I also think of the reality that
would mean I would be in my 50's when my child hits their teens.
Menopause and teenage hormones under one roof! That is a scary
thought.
Some of it is influenced by watching
married couples, sit and discuss the horrible “what if” pregnancy
complication questions, and hearing answers of how, as a married
couple, they are in committed to each other first and foremost and
would choose each other over a kid. Small things, all slipping into
the folders of my mind's filing system and suddenly I find myself at
a new stage in life where something that was once a priority is no
longer a priority.
Now, I am not one of these “my
biological clock” is running down type, nor am I anti-marriage. Nor
am I anti-children. The decision is not made yet. But for the first
time in my life I am open to negotiation, where as before there was
no negotiation. It was a straight, “No kids, mean you don't get a
chance in my life.”
I remember being so irate with an
Albanian man. We had gone out for coffee, our first coffee together,
while I was serving in Albania. Now in Albania, coffee is a
date....many times you get engaged on the third coffee. [though not
always]. So going for coffee, unchaperoned is a huge deal and many
things are discussed. In this situation I remember this man asking
how many kids I wanted. I mentioned that I wanted to adopt and have
at least one of my own. [that was my non negotiable]. To this he
replied, “but what if your husband wants 6 kids.” I laughed it
off, thinking he was joking, and said, “well best he find someone
else to have his children, at my age [all of 32 at the time], I wont
be having 6 children.” to which he responded, “You don't
understand, if your husband wants 6 children, then you WILL have 6
children.” I tried to respond and was told, “its not open to
discussion. If he wants 6 children, you will have 6 children.” I
found an excuse to cut coffee short and ran for the hills, almost
literally. I was angry and thought this man was so pigheaded.
In hindsight was I any different? Some
of my non-negotiables are still non-negotiable. I am not one of these
girls who draws a list of 50 things they want in a husband. Mine had
4 things.
1] Christian
2] Spirit filled
3] Must want children and be open to
adopt.
The 4th I might reveal
another time. The first two will always be a non-negotiable. But age
has brought fresh perspective. In my twenties, this was important and
something I would not budge on. I am not in my twenties anymore, and
its not that I don't love children, just am not sure if I want to
HAVE MY OWN. I remember even being rebuked in my late twenties cause
I mentioned that I wanted children more than a husband and that he
was a means to an end, so to speak. Ironically the person who rebuked
me is now a single mom by choice.
But I know now that I would choose my
husband over my right to have children. If God brings a marriage
partner my way, and if God doesn't that is also ok, because marriage
is only temporary, I am eagerly awaiting the great wedding feast in
Eternity with my true groom. Marriage is a gift, a blessing for a
period of time in my earthly life. Its not my entire purpose or
destiny. Again this is a perspective that changed in my over the
years. Earlier in life I was convinced I would be married by the time
I was 24. Now we know that Brides are renowned for being late to
their own weddings, but 12 years might be beyond late. [yes you can
laugh at this!] Before I thought life hinged on being married. Now I
know that life is more than just marriage. [though marriage can be a
joy].
Another perspective that changed is
Albania. 10 years of my life poured out into that nation. I remember
Albania was number 5 on my non-negotiable list. [once there were 5
things, before there were 4 things...now I think only two remain]. If
a man was interested in me and not interested in the nation that had
won my heart, he was tossed aside. I don't regret a moment of my time
in Albania, even though it was devastating at times. But I am not in
Albania anymore, so it is no longer a factor. I do remember the 4th
time when I was trying to move to Albania. [3 times before things had
gone south and forced me to go south – literally- and forced me to
return to South Africa]. This 4th time I was devastated
and not wanting to go through it again. I remember a wise couple
sitting with me, praying for me and counseling me. The husband said
something very profound, “whatever you decide make sure it doesn't
effect your relationship with God. Remember that this nation, all the
nations, are temporary. Your vision and calling, it is temporary. All
of this fades, and in heaven their wont be these
visions/plans/purposes or callings. There wont be these nations as we
know it. But your relationship with God is eternal. Make decisions in
line with this.”
How wise. How true. I did choose to
stay. It was a wonderful ten years of my life, it was also the
hardest and most heart-wrenching. But I knew it was what I was called
to. And I knew in following what I was called to I would help others
find what is eternal. But I also know if I hadn't stayed, it would
have been OK. Because it was temporary. Now its been two years since
I have left, and its no longer my vision and my current calling. If I
had lost my eternal purpose for the sake of the temporal, how
devastating would that have been?
Age, sickness, physical ability,
marital status, children, employment, finance, location,
circumstances, the list could go on. All these things, and more,
ensure change. Change is inevitable. So don't get so attached to the
temporary that you loose sight of what is truly eternal. Enjoy the
perks, the gifts, the blessings. But know that they too are
temporary. Don't take them for granted, because they might not always
be there. Thank God, neither will the heartaches. The tough times,
the grief-filled moments, they too will pass. There will come a day
when He will wipe every tear, when the heart grieves no more. Don't
get stuck in the hard times, have your season of mourning, be
comforted but then move on, because life will move on whether you are
ready or not. Life changes frequently, in the blink of a moment. Change happens as often as we change our underwear. [which i trust is VERY often.]
Anchor your souls in what is truly
eternal and unchangeable, Christ alone. He is the same yesterday,
today and forever. Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father
of lights that does not change like shifting shadows. God is not a
man that He should lie, nor the son of man that He should change His
mind. Does He speak and not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?
There in is our hope, the anchor for
our souls, when all around changes, He alone is our steadfast. Don't
let anything rob you of your relationship with Him, for that too is
truly eternal. Remain in Him, dear ones, remain in Him.
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