A Blog in 3 parts ....Part 3

It has been interesting to hear some feedback. one of them has made me realize that in a way i have put church in God's place. Church was never meant to be God. It doesn't let us off the hook. We have our responsibilities but it can't be in place of God, himself.. . its interesting food for thought.
now on to the next installment.

Part three:

I know some of what I have said has been a bit harsh. I almost wish I could detail all my experiences so that you can understand where it all comes from, and maybe one day I will, but not today. Part of it is because I am wounded. I was so wounded in ministry and by church and life that I ended up with PTSD. You know how you see those silly comments, like “my mom went to Europe and all she got me was this t-shirt.” mine would be, “I went away as a missionary and all I got was PTSD”. You can laugh, its OK, I am attempting humor, here, which should show you I am a far cry from what I was a year ago, when I was sucked deep into one of the darkest periods of my life.

During that time, when it seemed hopeless and pointless, and overwhelming I had a moment where I thought it would never get better, where I felt I might be depressed and anxious for the rest of my life. And in that place I asked myself some tough questions, viewing my depression and PTSD as a disease. I asked myself “If I am not healed of this, will I still love myself?” and “If I am not healed of this will I still love God?” and “If I am not healed of this, can God still love me?” these were hard questions to grapple with, and I even shared them with a friend. But there was a 4^th question, that was even harder for me to face, so hard I didn't even voice it at the time, it was this.

“If I am not healed of this, will the church still love me?”

That question broke me, because if I based my answer on experiences in my own life and the lives of others, it wouldn't be a good answer. It is difficult when church is the place you feel most isolated. Where the rejection that comes from church only adds to what you are walking through. Where you leave feeling worse after a service than better. where you see how others who are burnt out are sidelined and mistreated. so this was a heart breaking question to ask, that is possibly why i couldn't even voice it at first, not even to my closest friends.

I wont' go deeper on that because some of it is already touched on in previous blogs. But from that place many things started shifting in my life and in my heart. I knew the answer wasn't good and withdrew completely. I was tired of the added hurt and rejection while trying to recover from hurt and rejection. I am not saying my reaction was the wisest or most godly, but it was my reaction. But in it I also saw something else, and this is going to be a very vulnerable thing.

I was observing other relationships around me, ones that were struggling. Hearing the complaints and heartaches, when it hit me. We sit with our wounds and our needs, and our heartache, wanting the other “person” to understand where we are coming from, to accept us in our brokenness regardless of what reaction our brokenness causes us to have, because after all they are the ones who hurt us. But are we prepared to extend the same hand of grace to them that we are wanting from them? Yeah. Exhale. That is a tall order, isn't it? I don't say it lightly. And I don't say I am there yet, far from it. But truthfully what I expect from them I should be able to reciprocate to them.

Speaking of Grace, I know something I failed to mention in my last blog was a thought I had on the extreme grace movement. I have pondered many things recently, as you already know. One of the things I pondered was where this extreme grace movement came from. I realized a pendulum that is perfectly balanced wont swing to one extreme out of nowhere. A pendulum that swings from one extreme to another is one already at an extreme. Does that make sense. It doesn't jump from the middle, dead still, to the far left. It cant, not without help. But if it is already on the far right, it will happily swing to the far left because there is momentum.

So as much as it is good to look at the dangers and flaws that can arise in the extreme grace movement. We also should look at where we are at as a church and wonder what was extreme or extremely lacking in our situation to cause that reaction, or movement. We have to stop being afraid to look in the mirror, to examine our own flaws. We need to stop only looking at the flaws of others, but also ours. Because from seeing the flaw we can repent and change and refreshing can come.

I think the extreme grace reaction has come because, without realizing it, and with the best intentions possible, the current church has become a works orientated church. [I could go deeper and say why I think we have become works orientated but maybe I'll do that in another blog.] I think because of lack of love and grace, because we have become disconnected and busy, there was an extreme counter-reaction. I don't believe the church has realized how works orientated it is, and I do believe they have done it with the best intentions possible. Anyway that's my two cents on that.

Truthfully its also null and void because we are all broken and incomplete, and out of that we all create hurt. So as much as I am wanting them to acknowledge my hurt and be with me in my brokenness and be patient with me as I heal, can I love them in their brokenness?

The church, in general, over the years, has done me a number. I am bruised and battered and broken, and wanting its grace and love and repentance. But can I be gracious to its broken state? Can I love the church in its brokenness? Or will I withdraw my love from it and stand in judgment and criticism? I know which option I have chosen many times. I also know I felt justified in that stance. But I cant expect to be treated one way if I am not willing to treat others the same way.

It doesn't diminish the hurt or minimalise my pain or situation. It doesn't make my situation less real. It doesn't make what has happened right. It doesn't justify their actions. But that is not what its about. Christ didn't save us so that we could be right or avenged. He saved us in love, so that we could be loved and give love. Part of that love, hurt Him. He endured rejection and pain, physically and emotionally, more than we could ever comprehend. He didn't go through it because the people inflicting the pain were right or what they were doing was right. He did it because He loved them, He loved us. Can I do the same? Can we do the same? In the face of rejection and hurt, which is not His intent at all, can we still extend grace and love? In our friendships? In our marriages? In our churches? Can we extend love, true love?

The solution, the only option is love. Without it we are nothing. It is one of the only 3 things that remain, Faith, Hope and Love. And of these 3 things it is the greatest. Don't loose sight of this. Its time for a love revolution. Let it grip you, let it woo you, let it change you.